I recently received a wedding invitation addressed to Me and Guest. I appreciate being given the option. But sadly, when I finally give up and do the RSVP card, I will be writing 1 once again. Because there is just no one to even bring.
There was a day when I was easily able to score a non-date for these sorts of things. That was back in the real world (i.e. not Evangelical singles group) where men weren't afraid of women and didn't flee in terror at such an innocuous invitation. This is not a thinly veiled (pun intended!) suggestion that I want to marry you. This is me not wanting to sit at the table full of single women during every single dance of a slow, partner-requiring nature. Except the dollar dance, which, don't get me started. At a wedding with a date, this is not so bad. I cannot, however, bring myself to pay for the only dance of the evening. Too pathetic.
Beside which, I have already brought you people a wedding gift. And I've probably already bought you at least one shower gift. A world in which you simultaneously get a husband and calphalon pans is a world without justice.
At least this reception will feature a chocolate fountain. I've never personally seen one, but it does strike me as one of the best ideas of all time. So dance all you want, happy couples. Pay to dance, even. I'll be at the fountain, covering everything but my shoes in melted chocolate. Suckers!