Licensed T-Shirts Coming Soon!

It's the very latest in annoying Christian jargon and you'll only see it here, folks.  I present: Stick the fish.  You'll be hearing it from your annoying neighborhood Christians any day now.  (And before the hate mail starts, allow me to assure you that of course I am not insinuating that all Christians are annoying and certainly not the ones you know.)

We coined the term while driving to the rodeo (yes, Internet, the rodeo that I attended two and a half weeks ago.  I know, alright!  It's just that I've been distracted by all of the funny winter and the shiny sequined Olympic people with their compelling backstories of personal tragedy.  And a sport with sweeping!)  We were stuck in traffic and discussing those people who choose to stick not only the one large Christian fish emblem on their cars, but also several small ones and we got to wondering whether those small fish might represent the children of the family.  What, though, do parents do if all of the children aren't, shall we say, resting in the arms of Jesus?  Does each child automatically warrant a fish, regardless of the destination of his or her immortal soul?  Or is it possible that the parents wait until each child has had his or her own come to Jesus moment to place his or her representative fish on the back of the family minivan/SUV?  In which case, all of the got saved/was born again/accepted Jesus as personal Savior/asked Jesus into heart/became a Christian...type phrases could be replaced with the efficient "stuck the fish."  For example:

"Little Billy stuck the fish this weekend!  We're so proud!"

"Don't worry too much about Amanda.  Our youngest didn't stick the fish until she was 19."

This could be a powerful teaching tool for those who believe that salvation, once found, cannot be lost.  Because those suckers do not come off your tailgate!

I choose not to stick any representative fish on my own personal car since my driving is what Christian jargon describes as a "bad witness."  Because I don't think Jesus would cut people off or call His fellow drivers "rat bastards."  Unless, of course, they were driving 15 under in the far left lane, in which case it is not so much an insult as just a statement of fact.

So I'll soon be selling the rights to my new catchphrase and then sitting back to collect my millions, just as Jesus intended.  And you'll be able to get a lovely array of fine quality Stick the <><! hats, t-shirts, keychains, mousepads, bumperstickers, onesies, pencils, pens, zipper-pulls, hard candy, bracelets, earrings, stickers, temporary tattoos, socks, shoelaces, bookmarks, plush toys, magnets, mugs, hoodies, Bible covers, and totes at a Christian bookstore near you!  Can the Stick the <><! Compilation Album (Various Artists) be far behind?