How are you today? I'm superfantastic.

Best Show Ever! Part II

So, I'm watching Passions again.  Because I have NOTHING BETTER TO DO.  And allow me to say, as awesome as I thought this show was back around Christmas when I started watching it, those old episodes were downright mundane compared to what's going on these days.  Such as today, when the actress portraying Beth got to utter what may be the best soap opera line of all time:

Thank God for the lesbians!

Indeed.  See, most of the residents of Harmony have coincidentally ended up in Rome.  Crazy, right?  I know!  Anyway, they've caught Alastair (Grampy) and foiled his attempt to use the Holy Grail (hidden not-so-sneakily in the Vatican) (and it turns out that Dan Brown was completely wrong--it's just a golden cup) to rule the world.  They've got him surrounded when his goons appear as if from nowhere and attack our friends!

Noah and Ethan, realizing that there's no way to win this fight on their own, send Paloma and The Other Girl Whose Name I Don't Actually Know (hereafter referred to as TOGWNIDAK) to find help.  So naturally, they go to the police, but they've been paid off by Alistair and won't help.  What to do?  Then TOGWNIDAK has a brainstorm!  She knows who will help!  So she drags Paloma over to a bar with a rainbow flag and kisses her in front of a rather intimidating woman to prove that she bats for their team (which she does, but Paloma not so much) and tells her that they need help!  The lesbian is not convinced until TOGWNIDAK mentions that they're fighting Alastair Crane.  It turns out that the lesbians hate Alistair since he's a big "homophobic breeder"  so they are in.  Paloma and TOGWNIDAK arrive just in the nick of time with their army of pissed-off flannel-wearing lesbians to rescue the fair citizens of Harmony.  Whew.  That was a close one.

And don't even get me started on the whole thing with the mermaid.  That's right.  MERMAID.

Fatal Attraction

Ok, so not fatal exactly, but really very irritating.  I have been aware for many years now that I am irresistibly attractive.  To mosquitoes.  They LOVE me.  If whatever scent it is that I give off worked this well on men, I'd never pay for dinner again.  But no, it's really just the biting insects.

The other day, I went out to play with Amy's dogs in the backyard while she wasn't here.  I put on the flip flops that she keeps by the door for going outside with them.  And in maybe ten minutes' time, I got three bites.  Amy, who is out there several times a day, every day, has no bites at all.

I think the little bastards know somehow that I'm hypersensitive and a bite on me will puff out to several times the size that it would have been on someone else.  It's like they want to show off their work to their little insect friends, in which case, I am an excellent choice.  I like to accentuate these giant bug bites by scratching the area around them until it also turns red.  Because no, I don't have the necessary self-control not to scratch and if you do then bully for you but I happen to think there's something not quite human about that.

So if you were to drop by our neighborhood any evening around dog-walking time, you'd find me sporting a lovely fragrance I like to call Cutter All Family (Contains Deet!)  And if you ran into us, you could also pet Feta which will, according to some guy at the park, bring you good karma due to the fact that she is "an inspiration."  And all this time I've been petting her without even realizing that I was improving my cosmic mojo at the same time.  Such as each and every morning when I pet her and she offers her paw to shake as if to say "and you are?"  I'm just the person who keeps you from whacking your head on fire hydrants and mailboxes as you walk with your nose in the grass every night, Lady.  That's who.  The one who diverts the mosquitoes from you and Colby and Amy and apparently everyone else in the greater Austin area.  You're welcome.

Slacker, Inc.

After all these years, I have finally decided what I'm going to be when I grow up.  And it only took me so long because this job doesn't actually exist.  I had to invent my job.  I am going to be...drumroll please...an Un-Motivational Speaker!  Pretty cool, right?  I will help people let go, chill out, and generally care a whole lot less.

It seems like there would be a big market for this among aging heart-attack-prone Type A baby boomers still engaged in stressful jobs.  Maybe I could get cardiologists to refer at-risk patients for my services.  I could do corporate retreats for upper management or seminars for professional athletes who take themselves too seriously.  Terrel Owens comes to mind.  And I could help those new moms who make themselves sick worrying about every little thing they do "right" or "wrong" according to everyone else.  (There is of course no actual right or wrong answer to anything in life except math problems and math, for that reason, should be avoided at all costs.)

Ooh, and those people who do the extra credit if they get an A- and raise their hands to remind the teacher about the homework.  Those people definitely need to chill out!  I could teach them about skipping exactly the allowed number of classes before it adversely affects their grades and earning the minimum number of points necessary to qualify for the A.  I was a HUGE slacker in school, and yet I got As.  Very, extremely low As.  Because it makes no difference whatsoever to your GPA or anyone looking at your transcript whether you got the highest A or the lowest.

I will teach high-strung clients my own personal life philosophy: "Eh."  It is useful in almost every situation.  Just say it right out loud with the slightest of shoulder shrugs whenever you start to worry, stress, or freak out over anything and voila, inner peace.  Say it with me people.  Eh.

And if you didn't actually say it out loud, that's cool too.  No biggie.

Those Crazy Austin Saturday Nights

Margaritas and Stovetop Stuffing.  That's how we roll chez Lori & Amy.  Booze, carbs, and Whose Wedding is it Anyway? on the Style Channel.  Don't you wish you lived here?

Slacker

Ok, yes it has been a long time.  We finally got cable and Internet service at home as of about 6pm on Tuesday and I have STILL not updated.  Because back before we moved and I had nothing interesting to write about, I thought "surely once we move we'll have all kinds of interesting adventures and I'll finally have some decent material."  Which has not happened.  Because since moving, I have visited the library, HEB, CompUSA, Barnes & Noble, Target, Petco, Home Depot, Culver's, and Marie Callenders for some seriously disappointing baked mac & cheese.  And I finally read The DaVinci Code as well as The Winner by David Baldacci and am most of the way through The Kiterunner.  And, you know, unpacked things, hung pictures and whatnot.  Big-time excitement.

We did go tubing on Monday here with Lisa, Holly, and Watson.  It was fun, relaxing, and just a little bit burny.  Since the river is so low, the main objective turned out to be keeping the butt elevated high enough to avoid whacking it on every rock in the whole stinking river, as well as getting through the rapids without getting stuck on every rock in the whole stinking rapid.  Not "exciting" or "dangerous" per se, but challenging all the same.

Of course, it's not just Amy and I on this little moving to Austin adventure!  There are the dogs.  One of whom is having some anxiety-related issues with keeping food down.

The other one has no anxiety whatsoever, but does have a tongue which appears to be far too large for her head.

Look out!  My tongue is capable of reaching through the Internet all the way to your nose!

She isn't so much worried about where she lives as she is just ecstatically happy to have a place to live and some food now and then.  Probably a lot of us could do well to adopt this life philosophy.  Most of us might not also be so thankful for neighborhood cats that just sit in the grass and don't move even when large white dogs crinkle their noses to expose dangerous fangs and bark.    (Those of you who read this may be interested to know that she gets around quite well except toward the end of a walk when she's tired and would prefer that I carry her toward the cats or when she's been sleeping scrunched under a kitchen chair and gets a little stiff.)

Also, we now have two fish.  Still no jobs and no exterminator.  But there's progress.

Blog, interrupted

Today's post is brought to you by the Austin Public Library.  Because I will not have cable and Internet at home until next Tuesday.  Next Tuesday!  And yes, I am having major Internet withdrawal.  And I have just 33 short Internet minutes left for the ENTIRE DAY!  So I must go look for jobs now and also a reasonably priced exterminator because I've heard that if you've seen one roach you actually have millions of them and I have personally killed one major roach so far.  Not cool.

Unemployed

Yesterday was my last day of work.  It was nice and there were hugs and promises to come back and visit and gifts from some students including a pin with a big apple that says School is Cool (Please, please don't buy your child's teacher anything with an apple.  I promise you, it will only end up at Goodwill.)  And then I left and it was sort of sad but also good and I had surprise going-away dinner with a bunch of friends and we came back here and played Imaginiff.

And now I have no job.  I have no job.  NO JOB!  I HAVE NO JOB!!!

Which, yes, is freaking me out just a little right now.  But right now there are more important things to be freaking out about.  Like a trailer which may or may not be here tonight to be packed up for the move tomorrow.  And all of the many things that I'm sure I've forgotten to pack.  And whether my car will pass inspection later on today.  Because unemployed people cannot afford costly car repairs!

If you'll excuse me, I need to go breathe into a bag or a brownie or possibly a large margarita.