My latest theory has to do with the inner workings of the female mind. I know. Frightening territory. But based on the overwhelmingly positive response I got from females when explaining this concept to a single male friend, I feel strongly that I have succeeded in decoding the female psyche for you. You're welcome.
DISCLAIMER: What you choose to do with this information is in no way my responsibility.
Here's what I think: inside of every female mind, there exist two distinct personalities, two warring factions, if you will. (Won't you?) These are Inner Rational Girl and Inner Crazy Girl. Your basic difference between women then is the amount of time that each of these beings spend running the show.
A short guide for the benefit of all of you men out there:
Inner Rational Girl understands that when you say something, you are generally saying that thing and only that thing. Inner Crazy Girl believes that there are layers of meaning and subtext behind every statement you make and will spend hours attempting to decipher them despite Rational Girl's protests to the contrary.
Let's say we come to you and tell you about some injustice perpetrated by our boss. Inner Rational Girl realizes that you are trying to be helpful when you give advice about a plan of action or that you are attempting to empathize by telling us about YOUR jerk of a boss. Inner Crazy Girl feels like you aren't hearing her or you don't care what a tyrannical despot she may be working for. You'd be better off with both of these girls by sticking to a variation on "that sucks". Feel free to elaborate about how and why that sucks, but in general you cannot go wrong with an emphatic "rat bastard!"
Inner Crazy Girl is the one who asks you if we look fat in these pants. I can't help you here.
We try to save as much of Inner Crazy Girl's ranting as possible for our girl friends. Again, you're welcome. Our girl friends understand Inner Crazy Girl in a way that you never will. Our Inner Crazy Girls go running through a field together hand in hand, screaming at the top of their lungs about how dumb you are. Don't be offended. Sometimes you are dumb, but we like you anyway and Rational Girl sees all of your many good qualities even through the haze of your most intense periods of dumbness. But if you get funny looks from our girl friends, this is why.
Some of us have done a pretty good job of beating down our Inner Crazy Girl until she is hardly ever able to come out. No matter how effective we have been at this though, there are still a couple of days every month when Crazy Girl takes the reins. We don't like this any more than you do. Allow me to repeat that: WE DON'T LIKE THIS ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.
Because if you think that we're no party to be around, you should try existing in our heads just then. Except not, because there is no way that you could handle that level of unadulterated crazy. Imagine for a moment that you have no kind of coping mechanism whatsoever. Everything that happens is the worst thing in the world and everything that anybody does is the most annoying thing in the world. Inner Rational Girl is frankly not helping matters by pointing out how hugely Inner Crazy Girl is overreacting to absolutely everything. Now she feels even worse for her inability to control her crazy. It's not pretty, guys. We try to filter it for you, we really do, but you'll excuse us if we're not always successful.
And if you ever ASK whether you are speaking with Rational Girl or Crazy Girl, may God help you. Because Inner Rational Girl will be powerless to help you and may not really care to anyway.
So there you have it fellas. Lori's Superfantastic. Guide to Girls. Best of luck.
(Confidential to Cube Neighbor Steve: Your new wife's "best bridesmaid" is called a maid of honor, not a maitre d'. Extra special good luck to you. I think you're going to need it.)