About the twin thing

I have a twin sister.  I know I've mentioned that here before, but I don't generally make a big deal of it.  This is because a lot of people will make a VERY BIG DEAL about it if you tell them, and I'm not into that.

They think it's so neat.  They wish they had a twin.  They hope they have twins.  Do I like being a twin?  Are we identical?  Are we superclose?  Are we exactly alike in every way?  Do we play tricks on people?  Did we have a secret language?  Do we read each other's thoughts/feel each other's pain?  So my sister could come in to work for me some day and no one would even know?

Allow me to address these in order:

The Beaver called - he wants his word back. 
How would you know? 
I believe you'd have to be insane to want to have two infants at once. 
I've never not been a twin, so I have no basis for comparison. 
We look alike, but we haven't had any DNA testing done, so I can't say for sure.   (Allow me to clear up here that boy-girl twins are never identical.  One would think this would be really obvious, but I had a co-worker who got asked about her and her twin brother.  I never met Leslie's brother, but I feel confident assuming that there are some major anatomical differences between them.)
Not freaky twin close, but we like each other ok. 
Ha! 
Just once in second grade. 
No. 
You are an idiot.
Seeing as how I don't live in a sitcom, no.

I'd like to quote an eight year-old here who gave an excellent response to a teacher who was going into full on THAT'S SO NEAT mode about him being a twin.  "I'm not a twin, I'm a brother."  Preach it, eight year-old.

Why bring this up now?  Well, I learned courtesy of Holly and her Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite that this season's Bachelor has a twin brother, who (completely predictably) impersonated him at a party with the bachelorettes to see if any of them were bright enough to notice.  Which was enough to elicit my ire on the subject.  Because another inane twin question I have repeatedly gotten concerned my ability to send my sister out with a guy I was dating.  I have never understood why anyone would think that a person would ever do that.  If I like a guy, I want to go out with him myself.  If I don't like him, why would I foist him on my sister?  It makes no sense.  Except now The Bachelor has given people a reason to believe that someone would do such a thing.  So allow me to clarify for the Internet that no person who would not pimp himself out on ABC would ever do such a thing.

Have we gotten that cleared up?  Let us continue on to more pet peeves, as long as I've got you here.

#1. Announcing to me that you have no intention of attempting to learn my name and/or tell me apart from my sister.  This takes many forms.  Guessing a name and then telling me "hey, I had a 50/50 chance!"  Using some combination of our names.  Saying "hey, twin!"  Etcetera, etcetera.  You have no idea how insulting that is.  I have yet to meet the twins who can't be told apart given a little bit of mental effort.  If you're not willing to expend that small amount of effort, please keep your mouth shut.

#2. Assuming that I have no identity of my own, separate from my sister and being a twin.  I'll grant you, some twins are like that.  Some twins dress alike all their lives and live next door to each other and marry other freaky twins.  For the record, we are not like that.  I am a person.  She is a totally separate person.  We're crazy like that.  You might think that would be obvious, but you haven't been asked, in reference to your sister, where your other half is.  You didn't have to explain to people in high school that no, you didn't play soccer even though your sister did, because you were uncoordinated and not capable of running and kicking a ball at the same time.  Plus you don't like soccer.  Mindblowing, I know.

#3. Thinking that I find twin jokes funny.  I don't.  They piss me off.  I'm serious.

I think it has something to do with my lifelong aversion to cuteness.  People think that being a twin is just so damn cute.  God forbid my sister and I do anything alike such as, I don't know, breathe oxygen, someone will say "Awwww...that's so cute!  They both like air!"  And then I will punch that person in the throat.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here.  Except to say that I know, despite everything that I have written here, that some of you are formulating cutesy twin jokes for the comments section (I'm looking at you, Gary.)  Please know that if you're not within throat-punching distance, deleting you is a close second.