That Craig lets anybody on his list
Posted April 28, 2008
On Saturday, my college friend Kristine was here to photograph my place and also generally hang out. We were talking about her recent online dating experiences, which have been with a Christian dating site. You'd think the guys would be nicer. You would be wrong.
Kristine wrote to one guy to ask if he was a musician. He wrote back an extremely short answer, then took the time to write again, entirely unprompted, to tell her that he was only interested in women who are stunning. She took the high road and didn't write back. Whereas I would most likely have written back to say "How perfect. I'm only interested in men who are shallow assholes. What time are you picking me up?"
So we thought we'd look at Craig's List to see if the men of the greater Madison area might be more promising. And...yikes. Sure, there were a few guys who sounded potentially interesting, but for the most part, we found far more entertainment value than dating potential.
First, we have the many, MANY guys who specify "no drama, no games". Right. Here's the thing, boys: if you want to date women, there is going to be drama. I like to think that I'm pretty much as low-drama as women come, but that still does not ensure any man in my life a completely drama-free relationship. And secondly, boys of Craig's List, even under the best of circumstances, dating is a game. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as you find someone who plays fair.
Next we have two polar opposites. There's the man of few words. Maybe he tells you his age. He's looking for a woman. That's about as much as you're getting out of him. Then we have the man with the uberspecific list of qualifications. Must be between 26 and 27 1/2. Must be "slim", "thin", "fit", "HWP", "BBW" or "takes care of theirself". Must love baseball/fishing/biking/performance art/snowboarding/cooking/death metal/Kafka. Must be family-oriented/want kids/not want kids/not have kids/understand that his kids come first in his life. Must be sweet/generous/open/affectionate/smart/funny/independent/a free spirit/driven/religious/spiritual but not religious/not religious/420 friendly. One guy specified "must run fast". Another one wanted someone with no midwestern accent. You live in Wisconsin, friend. Yes, it is one of the unsexiest accents going, but you're going to have to either get used to it or move.
Then there's your embittered guy. This guy can go one of two ways. Either he's straightforward about it and just writes something about how there aren't any REAL women left and he's a gentleman just looking for a nice girl, but he guesses there aren't any left in Madison. The other route is the deeply sarcastic "I'm looking for a drama queen to spend my money, never have sex, dump her kids on me, never cook dinner, lie, cheat, and then leave me. Is that you?" Oh, bitter guy. Maybe take some time off from the internet dating.
I've saved a couple of specific postings for last. Like this one:
seeking a woman age 20-27 who has some acquaintance with the work of pierre bourdieu, carl schmitt, alain badiou, yukio mishima etc. i know this implies a degree of effort in thought, so please, don't strain yourself.
it would also be nice if you are thin, as i am thin.
i haven't had much success meeting people who are actually interested in thinking, most people around here are more concerned with "finding themselves" or getting laid.
i'm pretty fashionable. pic for pic.
Capitalizing apparently requires a degree of effort that this guy isn't willing to strain himself with, even when it's going to good use, such as insulting his entire potential dating pool. But don't worry, ladies, not only is he interested in thinking, he's also thin and fashionable.
Then there's this guy, who finds himself in Madison after a successful career in college and semi-pro basketball:
If you've got some game on the b-ball court, let's go one on one...loser (which will be you) buys the bottle of cheap or expensive wine and cooks or buys dinner. Deal?
What girl could resist an offer like that? Forget helping Kristine, I am thinking of emailing him myself. I just can't pass up the opportunity to play basketball against a guy who has no plans to go easy on me despite the fact that he has played (semi-)professionally and that I am a girl and THEN I can buy the wine and it's entirely up to me whether I want to make dinner myself or pay for it. A lot of guys won't give you that option. What a dove.
If you like what you read here, leave me a comment. Serious replies only. I'll only respond if you include a pic. It would also be nice if you are stunning, as I am stunning. And you're buying the wine.
LaughingMouse says:
April 28, 2008 at 10:46 PM
You write it so much better than I remember it! 2 kudos
Lissa says:
April 29, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Must run fast? Is it because he plans on killing someone and he wants to make it a challenge?
Diane says:
April 29, 2008 at 12:57 PM
I'm with Lissa. That's a little too Patrick Bateman for my tastes.
Emily says:
April 29, 2008 at 01:01 PM
I had no idea so many people in Wisconsin were "finding themselves." I could see that in, I don't know, Bali or Alaska or Mexico, but WISCONSIN?
Lori says:
April 29, 2008 at 01:20 PM
I'm guessing the people concerned with finding themselves are primarily college students.
Although I'm not sure I like the implication that we here in Wisconsin are not a soul-searching bunch. I imagine this winter alone there was a lot of soul-searching on the question of "Why do I live here again?"
Sharon says:
April 29, 2008 at 01:49 PM
I remember my internet dating days well. My favorites were always the guys who said that they were looking for a girl who was just as comfortable going out for a night on the town as curling up on the couch to watch a movie. I mean, that pretty much covers the options, buddy. You're either going out, or you're staying in. But the real story is in the actual dates. Lori, I think you owe it to your faithful readers to go out with a few of Madison's most eligible bachelors and then report back to us. I mean, it's been a few years since my most memorable dates, but I remember that they always made great stories. And much like tall tales, my heroes became comically more exaggerated with each telling. Just an idea. If you don't do it, then how will you compare Madison guys to San Antonio guys when I inevitably try to pressure you into the same game there?
Emily Ann says:
April 29, 2008 at 02:00 PM
hahahaha...I love this post!! I'm off to NYC's craigslist to see what these peeps are saying.
andrew says:
April 29, 2008 at 06:27 PM
I typically look at the Craigslist ads so I can feel better about the $100 I smoked on Match.com.
Daily Tragedies says:
April 29, 2008 at 07:59 PM
I have it on good authority that thin guys should be looking for a thin girl. I mean, the expression about some cushion for the pushin' didn't come from nowhere. But maybe this guy was busy thinking about On Dictatorship while his friends were talking smack on the playground.
Daily Tragedies says:
April 29, 2008 at 08:00 PM
Should not. Thin guys should NOT be looking for a thin girl.
(Also, I should not be allowed to comment after 7 pm.)
Gary says:
April 30, 2008 at 08:40 AM
Im never sure why Christian's are supposed to be 'better' than non-christian's. C.S. Lewis wrote about such (see below). However; we are ALL shallow people. I wonder what would come if we were to all post our thoughts!
'Suppose we have come down to brass tacks and are now talking not
about an imaginary Christian and an imaginary non-Christian, but about two
real people in our own neighbourhood. Even then we must be careful to ask
the right question. If Christianity is true then it ought to follow (a) That
any Christian will be nicer than the same person would be if he were not a
Christian. (b) That any man who becomes a Christian will be nicer than he
was before. Just in the same way, if the advertisements of White-smile's
toothpaste are true it ought to follow (a) That anyone who uses it will have
better teeth than the same person would have if he did not use it. (b) That
if anyone begins to use it his teeth will improve. But to point out that I,
who use Whitesmile's (and also have inherited bad teeth from both my
parents), have not got as fine a set as some healthy young Negro who never
used toothpaste at all, does not, by itself, prove that the advertisements
are untrue. Christian Miss Bates may have an unkinder tongue than
unbelieving Dick Firkin. That, by itself, does not tell us whether
Christianity works. The question is what Miss Bates's tongue would be like
if she were not a Christian and what Dick's would be like if he became one.'
LaughingMouse says:
May 01, 2008 at 01:16 PM
tsk tsk tsk Gary. Shame on you. Where do I begin. First let me point out that Christian's does not need an apostrophe here as they are not possessing anything, please fully expect a paragraph devoted to this gross error in Lori's next installment of Grammar Geek Wednesday.
Second, she doesn't say Christians are supposed to be 'better' she said that one would reasonably expect that men on a Christian dating website would be NICER than those on a non-Christian dating website. I, for one, do not think this has much of anything to do with CS Lewis or teeth whitening. I do however think it has everything to do with a reasonable expectation that someone who claims to have a life with Christ should at least be slightly less SHALLOW AND SELF-ABSORBED than those without him. Thus the ignorant arse who emailed me to let me know he was not interested in anyone who wasn't stunning should move on to another site where being shallow would be acceptable.
Now you've never met me so I'll extend some grace here. But I am a fabulous woman and, in all honesty, would be a great catch for the right man. But, yes, I carry some extra weight. However, we all know the old adage ... "I may be fat, but you're (plural and figurative) a jackhole and I can lose weight."
Sorry if that's a bit strong for some of you but I'm OVER shallow people (again, plural and figurative, not gary specifically) being excused for rude behavior that would be utterly unacceptable if it were directed at almost any other group.
TLC says:
May 01, 2008 at 07:32 PM
As a born-again Christian who is so confused by the church that I have my bags packed and sitting by the door and am one baby step away from leaving, I can tell you that Christians, in general, are NOT nicer than other people. They just couch their hypocrisy in Scripture, so it sounds more pious.
I relate to having blown bucks on online dating. My mistake was eHarmony, which Christians just LOVE because it's run by Neal Clarke Warren. What I found was a bunch of guys from all over the country who'd posted their profiles and checked out. No one wanted to communicate. Probably the most memorable profile was the doctor in Virginia who had a pet WOLF. (Even though that's my maiden name, I would NOT go that far!)
And Laughing Mouse, thanks for the grammar lesson! This former newspaper editor appreciates it!
andrew says:
May 01, 2008 at 08:19 PM
A wise man (and also the pastor of a church) once asked me, "Do you know what happens to an asshole when he becomes a Christian?"
I replied, "Uh, I don't know"
He answered, "He becomes a Christian Asshole".
Fairly insightful.
Gary says:
May 02, 2008 at 02:33 PM
Katie -
Actually, as it goes the adage - as you stated it - is not true to the definition.
Aside, I like Winston Churchill's (did I get the 's right there?) saying that has become somewhat traditional...
Bessie Braddock (speaker of the house): “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
I maybe a bad speller/user of grammar but I can (when I’m not lazy) press F7 to help me.