Or maybe I should stop overthinking it and just write you something funny.
Posted May 29, 2008
I've been thinking recently about the idea that everything happens for a reason. It gets tossed around a lot whenever something bad happens to someone, but do we really mean it?
Probably a lot of you are going to disagree with me when I say that I think this is a first world concept. Or maybe even a first world middle class and above concept.
It should be an easy thing for someone like me to believe. Sure, I've been through my share of crap like anyone else, but really I've had a pretty charmed life, haven't I? And it's only a function of where I was born and the family I was born into. No matter what happens to me, I'm probably going to end up ok. I've got a college degree, an above-average intellect, passable social skills, and if all else fails, a supportive family to fall back on. In a couple of months, I should even have some pretty good health insurance. In all likelihood, things are going to wind up working out alright for me. So if something bad happens, it's likely to be followed by something good and I can then reason that the first thing had to happen so the second thing could follow, whether they appear to be related or not. See, you could say to me, everything happens for a reason.
But I wonder whether you'd say that to someone living in abject poverty. Would you tell a ten year-old girl in India that she had been forced into prostitution for a reason? Would you say it to a teenager, thrown out of her family's home in Darfur because she was raped at gunpoint? To people in our own communities and around the world who starve while others of us have enough (and frequently too much) to eat?
I don't know. Everything happens for a reason just doesn't seem to hold up outside of our relatively privileged bubble. Maybe you'd say that everything happens for a more global reason, but that makes it pretty cold comfort to the individual, doesn't it? And I'm sure we've all seen good things come from bad, but does it necessarily follow that the good was the reason for the bad?
I guess this is just one of those things that I'm tossing out there to see what you all think. Are they just easy, empty words or do you think there's really something to the idea? What's your take?
Sharon says:
May 29, 2008 at 11:59 AM
These are the same people who thank Jesus or God when they win an award. Is their idea of God someone who is sitting around trying to figure out who should win the Oscar for best supporting actress, or who should win Wimbledon this year? I mean, I can understand being grateful to the Academy, or to a great coach, but I'm not so sure God's determining which MTV video was truly a breakthrough.
Additionally, it bothers me a lot more when people thank God after surviving some incident which others did not. If you believe an angel, or God, or Jesus chose you to survive, does that mean that he/she/they chose the others to die? People are always saying this, and it really gets my goat, because the implication is that this person was somehow more worthy or deserving of continued life than the others. I reject this. It is just as you said, Lori, not that I want to put words into your mouth when it comes to religion, but this is just something we say to make sense out of senseless situations. It is pure rationalization. It makes us feel like we have some control, or that someone/being has control over our fates, which is simply a comforting idea. An opiate for the masses, if you will.
foodcoma says:
May 29, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Random shit just happens, good or bad. Sharon hit the nail on the head with people using religion to make sense of things and having control. It really is just the cards we've been handed, some are just worse than others.
Jennifer says:
May 29, 2008 at 12:59 PM
I've struggled with this idea my whole life. Mostly because I've had to endure a lot of pain and crappy shit that went on during my childhood and teen years. And some even now. I think the whole concept of "everything happens for a reason" is this churchy thing to tell people when we have no clue why bad things are happening to them or around us. And I agree with you about the other scenarios you mentioned - what about the young girls sold into prostitution, or the earthquake in China that has taken thousand of lives and ripped families apart and left them all destitute? How does that good lil' churchy saying stand up to the weight of those situations? I don't think it really does. Why can't we just say, I don't understand this, I don't think it's fair, I think this is awful. Period.
While I firmly believe in a God who knows what He is doing and how He is working all of those things together, I realize that I cannot understand any of it. Some days it feels like it takes more than just faith to believe in someOne that I've never seen, see the madness and crap happening in lives of those that I love and the tragedy and poverty over all over the world, and trust that He knows what He's doing. And yet, I've experienced His goodness and power in my life, and no one could tell me that He isn't real.
I guess I don't really have an answer. I think they can be empty words. I think they're overused and generic. I think they don't work. I know that I hate hearing those words and I don't even like speaking them. I don't even use them as words of comfort to someone else - it feels like as slap in the face. And yet given all of that,I do believe that God has a plan to work all things together in a beautiful and intricate way that surpasses our understanding. Because He is good. Though we live in a sinful, fallen, crappy world, God is good. And I don't have to understand anything else but that. Because that - that is comforting.
Gary says:
May 29, 2008 at 01:23 PM
Very good post.
I'm with you 100%.
Its all context. People would have one believe that God has 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you' and also if 'you delight yourself in the Lord you will get your heart's desire'.
That means we are all in for a cushy life. Sweet.
The sooner we do away with this 'western-world' Christian speak then the sooner we will find what I believe is *real* religion.
Kelly G says:
May 29, 2008 at 01:58 PM
Jennifer worded it very well. As we prepare to adopt from Ethiopia, I certainly have been thinking on this and generel "white privelege" a lot. I do believe in a God who created each of us on purpose and with a purpose, but His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. I trust that He works all things together to the good of those who love Him, but I sure can't see it sometimes. Very well spoken Lori (as usual)... now on with the humor!
Julie says:
May 29, 2008 at 04:46 PM
Re: Sharon's comment:
My sister and I had this very conversation the other day - about how annoying it is when our mother gives credit to Jesus for anything good that ever happens to us. Where is our credit for all our hard work or skill in making it happen?! Whatever.
Re: Laurie's post:
I really do agree that the "everything happens for a reason" is, like Sharon said, pure rationalization. I can only imagine the reaction you would get from the young girl in Darfur if you patted her on the back and said, "Well, you know, everything happens for a reason."
I doubt any sane person would be willing to risk it.
Julie says:
May 29, 2008 at 04:47 PM
oops - sorry. LORI. Not Laurie. :)
slynnro says:
May 29, 2008 at 04:52 PM
I completely agree with you on this- how exactly are the horrible atrocities outside of our fairly pleasant world explained away with such a trite sentiment?
LaughingMouse says:
May 29, 2008 at 07:31 PM
I gotta throw in my two cents. I agree absolutely that it is a 'first world' sentiment. One that would very likely gain you nothing but blank stares from people in the third world. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but to actually say that to someone suffering is, I agree, a slap in the face! I have despised bumper sticker answers for YEARS. "Let Go and Let God" is another one I've never actually understood. Well said and thought-provoking post ... as always!
lissa says:
May 30, 2008 at 01:19 AM
Wow very deep Lori. I think you are right. We can put a spin on anything if we set our minds to it. To people who aren't as fortunate I'm sure they don't see things the way we do or chalk things up to silly clichés.
Kara says:
May 30, 2008 at 04:38 PM
Wow, sometimes syncronicity blows me away. I have been thinking almost these exact same thoughts about the exact same saying in the last few days. Brief background is that my husband, my 2-year-old, and my pregnant self just moved into my mother's house, all the way across the country from the beautiful home we built last summer. My husband was in new home sales, and that's probably all I need to say about that, right? Bad market. Terrible start for a new community. Poor management to boot. We lived out of savings for the last year, hanging on to see if he could eek out enough sales to just make it work, but no. So we left the job, found renters for our house (thankfully) and moved back home to the one job he was able to find quickly enough to keep continuous health insurance for the family. That job pays less than a third of what he made last year selling homes. Just enough to pay one car payment (we sold the other one), our one credit card payment, and food and gas. Not enough to even rent a small apartment.
So yeah. I'm with you. I go between praying and believing that things HAVE to get better (find a better job? get a quick promotion?). . .to asking myself WHY? Why do I believe that things HAVE to get better for me? Do I really believe that I'm more deserving than any of those people you spoke about? No, I really don't. God loves them just as much as he loves me. So can I really hang onto the belief that if we pray hard enough God will make good things happen for our family? Don't get me wrong, I believe in His power and love for me. But there are far too many people who live the entirety of their lives in TRUE misery for me to feel that my tiny plight is really that compelling.
Ugh. Depressing, I know. And obviously I don't have any answers. I think maybe it's just one of those things that happens on the road to really growing up (I'll be thirty soon, after all). Realizing that the image of this charmed life that we think of as kids just isn't something that falls into most peoples' laps. Bummer, huh?
TLC says:
May 30, 2008 at 09:42 PM
Most excellent post and comments. I have been struggling with this question myself recently. I've heard over and over that "God is in control" and that "He has a plan for your life" and "He had your whole life planned out before you were born." Well, if that's true, then He planned out the Holocaust and this stupid war in Iraq, and if He's a good God, then how does this fit in?
Also, if my life is all planned out already, why do I need to think? Plan? Pray? Why not just coast along for the ride?
I do believe that some things happen for a reason. I also agree with Jennifer that we may never understand that reason. Some people use Scripture to show that when bad things happen, we'll know why someday and we'll be able to use our experiences to help others. I'm not so sure about that.
Thanks again for another very thought-provoking post!
Scott M says:
May 30, 2008 at 10:43 PM
Hmmmm... I'm going to have to provide the voice of slight decent... and maybe it’s just because the middle class and above folks I know are cranky and those below are more willing to accept things as having some higher purpose.
In my experience, I find that those with who have struggled more but are still comfortable by global (but lower income by US) standards more ready to bust out the "everything happens for a reason" line. Meanwhile the middle class and above folk I know (myself included sometimes) have a modified version. For them (us) everything does indeed happen for a reason. When it is something good, the reason is our own hard work/intelligence/good nature/karma/whatever (but it was of our own doing). When it is something bad, it is all due to forces beyond our control (God, massive government conspiracy, the guy driving too slow who frustrated you into making an illegal lane change and a $180 ticket, whatever).
Now, I can't speak for teenage sex slaves or impoverished Africans… but I can say that members of my own family who have worked their butts off just to move up to a 900 square foot house on the city’s west side dish out “everything happens for a reason” fairly readily. But should a luxury-sedan driving executive at a nameless oil company not get invited to some charity pro-am golf event… you’d think he’d just been falsely accused of murder.
In my experience, I think some privileged people could use a little more of “everything happens for a reason”, even if the reason is “golf isn’t that damn important, and you have real work to do anyway.”