You heard it here first. No, really.

My first job in high school was selling shoes at Finish Line.  I had a boss there who was hilarious.  He told me a story once about how he was supposed to be getting ready to go somewhere with his wife but instead was busy discovering that some old cheese he found in the refrigerator would bounce.  His wife found him bouncing the ball of cheese in the kitchen and said, "David, stop playing with that cheese and shower."  And he said, "I bet no one has ever said that sentence before."

Ever since then, I've kind of listened for sentences that might be being uttered for the first time ever.  Such as one time when Amy and I were out walking the dogs and she went to warn me about some food on the sidewalk that I should keep the dog away from.  She phrased it, "Careful, Pop Tart!"  I have to believe that there aren't too many people going around issuing Pop Tart warnings.

Then there was the time that Angela and I were walking along near the Lincoln Memorial and some ducks took off from the sidewalk just in front of us, barely clearing our heads on their way over.  Angela said, "That duck tried to kick me in the face."  (Angela is deeply suspicious of birds in general.)  I am not sure that anyone has ever laughed harder on the grounds of the Lincoln Memorial than I did about this duck face kicking remark.  I mean, imagine how it would feel to be kicked in the face by a webbed duck foot.  That's funny stuff, right?

It's in the spirit of these three instances that I have tried to come up with some brand new sentences that I believe might have never before been said:

I like a man in sweatpants and a comb-over.

The Arizona Cardinals are the best team in football.

I think mosquitoes are kind of cute.

No thanks, I don't like bacon. (I get that some of you don't eat it for religious and ideological reasons, but to not like it?  I think not.)

Which of these outfits best highlights my muffin top?

If you're looking for a light summer beach read, I recommend Heart of Darkness.

I wish we had spent more money on the wedding.

Hell no, I don't want to play Plinko.

I was really hoping you would ask me to help you move.

Appearing topless in Girls Gone Wild was a really sound decision on my part.

I like Carrot Top, both for his subtle humor and undeniable sex appeal.

Why can't you be more like that Amy Winehouse?

What have you got for us, Internet?  Something you actually heard or whatever you can come up with.