Here is where the robbers made their mistake. In their haste to empty my backpack so they could use it to transport our stuff, they dumped out the most valuable item in my possession. Something that could have gotten them exponentially more money than my computer. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you THE RUG OF FAITH:
Also known as the Prayer-Soaked Rug, a.k.a. Faith Church Prayer Rug, a.k.a. large piece of paper with a picture of Jesus on one side and instructions on the other. It was mailed specially to me from St. Matthew's Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which they tell several times is 57 years old. They chose me out of everyone because they could feel that something very wonderful is trying to come to me. Here something wonderful had been out there trying to come to me and everyone connected to my address and I would have had no idea!
I am going to go ahead and quote the instructions because they are just too outstanding to paraphrase:
"These next 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees, place it in a Bible, on Philippians 4:19. (If you don't have a Bible, it's okay - just slide it under your side of your bed, for tonight, if you can. If you can't do this, it is okay.) Leave It There No Longer Than Tonight Only! God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church's chapel prayer room, in faith...You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to the church so we can rush it onto another family that's in need of a blessing. Do this without fail. Please, do not break this flow of power between us."
But THAT'S NOT ALL. You also let the fine folks of St. Matthew's know what you prayed for and they will continue praying on your behalf. Do you have to spend a bunch of time tediously writing out your prayer request? You do not.
All you have to do is check which blessing you'd like to receive. Unless, of course, you'd like a specific financial blessing (And who wouldn't?) in which case you should specify the amount. Perhaps you should be careful though. You don't want to ask for too much or you might look greedy, right? THINK AGAIN.
Sister Y. was blessed with over FORTY-SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. Wouldn't asking for less than that just indicate that you don't think God is capable of blessing you with more? What kind of paltry faith do you have, sir or ma'am? Personally, I feel that somewhere in the mid-six-figure range would demonstrate a proper degree of reverence.
That's probably all you get out of this church though, right? I mean is it not more than enough? But again I tell you THAT'S NOT ALL.
There is also a sacred, spiritual prophecy JUST FOR ME. It contains a sign from the Lord about my future. It also contains my Holy Ghost instructions. Obviously I can't tell you what is in my prophecy, but I can tell you that the Holy Ghost writes in all caps. Surprising, right?
Surely that must be all, you say. Of course it is not. You can also get your very own, St. Matthew's blessed Prosperity Cross! Because who has ever been more concerned with your prosperity than Jesus himself? It's what the cross was about.
If you'll read there at the top, you'll see that not only is it blessed personally for you in order to bring you prosperity, but "This collectible Bible Cross is one of the most beautiful in the world, and it is not sold in stores."
For those of you who are
godless heathens wondering, Deuteronomy 8:18 reads: "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day." which I am sure is not taken out of context AT ALL!
Too bad, burglars. I guess all of these riches are still destined to be mine.
Internet, I apologize for rubbing your face in my good heavenly fortune. Maybe one day something very wonderful will be trying to come to you, too. I could even have the good people of St. Matthew's pray for that!
Except I'm totally going for the money. Get your own blessing.