Oh, Lori. Is nothing sacred?

From an actual conversation I just had with the roommate regarding what to wear for happy hour/dinner/post-dinner drinks tomorrow:

"Not too hoochie.  Just hoochie enough.  Like if Goldilocks were a hoochie."

In that spirit, coming soon (out of my mouth):

• Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife had a muffin top coming over her low-rise jeans.
• Little Jack Horner sat in a corner throwing napkins at two girls down the bar.  (Keep up people!  Honestly, it's like you're not even reading my Twitter.)  (Hey, look!  All of the tweets that disappeared are back!)
• "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  "I can't.  I cut it off because it was totally covering up my lower back tattoo."
• Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack mostly so he could watch Jill bend over in her miniskirt to fetch a pail of water.
• Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey.  Along came a spider who sat down beside her and said, "Hey, baby.  Nice tuffet."
• Peter, Peter pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't keep her, so he bought a Porsche and some hair plugs and went on a singles cruise.
• There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile, thus failing his field sobriety test.

And they all lived happily ever after.  The end.