I seem (temporarily, I hope) to have lost my funny.
Things aren't great right now. I guess, more accurately, I'm not great right now.
First of all, allow me to admit that it's Crazy Week, meaning that Inner Crazy Girl has the reins and everything is amplified many times over.
Second, we have an Approaching Birthday Situation.
Third, I am looking for a job YET AGAIN. This follows a year of looking for a job in Austin and a year of looking for a job in Madison.
It wasn't supposed to be this hard this time.
You always hear about how they need special ed teachers everywhere, and nowhere more than here in San Antonio, where they are constantly building schools. And I was going to have my alternative certification program to help me get a job. If I moved here and did this, I could get a job that was challenging and rewarding and came with insurance and a real paycheck so I could finally not have to worry about money all of the time.
This was supposed to be a sure thing. It has turned out to be anything but.
The district that partners with my program has no openings. I've applied now with eight districts. I have emailed over 60 schools and every response I've gotten has been about how there are no openings. Even more maddening is that getting a job seems to be much more about luck and timing than qualification. Most districts don't list their specific openings, so unless you contact every individual school, you have no way of knowing where the openings are, should there even be any. One girl from my program happened to walk into a high school when they had an opening and was hired on the spot. As far as I know, she's the only one of the sixteen of us to have gotten a job.
The fourth thing is a bit tricky to bring up. It's just, I'm still trying to adjust being back here in a family that looks very different from the one I left a year ago June. I'm happy for everyone and in case it wasn't perfectly obvious, I adore my niece and nephew. But being the token single and childless one takes some getting used to. The single part is for the best right now and I definitely have no desire to change the childless status, so it's just the way things are.
But all of this, added together, has inspired a bit of a meltdown. I'm about to be 31. I am single, childless, and unemployed. I don't own a home. I don't even have any savings. I don't see what I've done with all of these years and all of that supposed potential. This isn't the way things were supposed to turn out.
Obviously, there's no deadline here. Things don't have to have turned out by 31. It just feels pretty old to be this far from having anything figured out. It feels like there should be so much more to show for it.
Crazy Week will come to an end, and with any luck, there will be an I got a job! post coming soon. But in the meantime, there are no longer comical children in my day to transcribe for your entertainment, so you're stuck with me and my consuming ennui, my pervasive malaise, my relentless compulsive chewing away at the inside of my mouth. I apologize. I don't want to be this for you or for the people stuck dealing with me in real life. But I also don't feel like faking it anymore.
Things aren't good right now. I'm not good right now. And I can't seem to find my funny anywhere.