A Very Long Post Regarding My Short Attention Span
Posted June 14, 2009
So...that last post. Thank you so much for your kind comments. Not one of you told me to get over myself already. You're a swell bunch, Internet.
It felt pretty melodramatic to me even by the next morning. I certainly don't want to sound like I'm asking you to feel sorry for me or trying to make ADD into some horrible affliction. Clearly I've lived with it for a lot of years and I've been developing coping mechanisms since well before I had any idea what I was doing. I can function. I can hold down a job and generally meet the basic demands of adult life.
It can though, as you all got to see courtesy of my late night overwrought posting, overwhelm me at times. It can be maddening to feel like I am having to work so much harder to do things that seem easy for most people just because my brain won't cooperate.
And, like I said, there's the part where I feel like I let people down. Fortunately, Holly is a very understanding roommate and seems to believe me when I say things like how I really, honestly intend to take the trash out but I forget what day it is and which day the trash goes out. I don't mean to be unhelpful. I'd like to pull my weight. I think if I could keep track of things, I could also do a better job of my job. I think the work I do is important, so I'd like to be as effective as I can for my kids.
I talked to my Twitter friend Jon Deal a while back after he started the meds and he told me how his doctor explained ADD to him. Living inside an ADD brain often feels like a TV that is constantly flipping channels. I can affirm this with the following short dramatic presentation from my own life:
Him: What are you thinking about?
Me: I don't know.
Him: How can you not know what you're thinking?
Me: There's too many.
Him: [Look that conveys his belief that I am full of it.]
Anyway, the doctor went on to explain that the ADD brain operates like a tired brain. The constant channel-flipping is the brain's attempt to wake itself up. This is why stimulants have a calming effect on people with ADD. I've heard ADHD dismissed as Naughty Boy Syndrome. Here's the thing: if you give a naughty boy amphetamines, he will become exponentially naughtier. Give the same speed to a hyperactive kid with ADHD and it calms him down because his brain is getting the stimulation it needs from inside.
I finally got my official diagnosis on Friday. The psychiatrist I saw felt like I was a pretty classic case. Obviously, I am not hyperactive, but there's a second kind called ADHD Inattentive. Boy, am I ever inattentive. And how.
Holly wrote on my Facebook wall that she was glad I was validated, and that's exactly what it was. I was afraid the doctor would say, "No, you don't have it. You're just lazy, forgetful, irresponsible, aimless, and indecisive. Personality flaws that you should have been able to correct by now. Grow up." But he didn't. He said I have a neurological disorder. There is tremendous relief in having an explanation, a course of action, and hope for some change.
I started on generic Adderall (straight up amphetamines - literally, the label reads "Amphetamine Tabs") on Saturday. My doctor told me that it would feel, at first, like I'd had a giant cup of coffee. He also told me that it's an appetite suppressant. ("Are you happy with your current weight?" "No." "Well then, you'll love it!")
He was correct on both counts. For perhaps the first time in my life, I had to remind myself to eat dinner. I don't feel sick or anything, just perpetually full. I'll make sure to eat on a regular schedule, but it looks like it should be no problem to eat a lot less and pretty well cut out snacking. As for the giant cup of coffee effect, I'm afraid I may have talked very fast and without stopping for a while. Holly bore the brunt of my gale-force monologue. Seems I am a menace to Holly, whether medicated or not.
The doctor did not, however, mention the side effect wherein I make an endless stream of I'm On Speed jokes that really might not be amusing to anybody but me. Seriously. I may be intolerable. I'm not sure.
It felt like a bit too much on Saturday. I'm on tablets, as opposed to the extended release capsules which have all of those tiny little beads in them. The benefit is that if I felt like I was getting too much, my doctor said I could cut them in half. Which is what I did today and it seemed good.
I don't think the focus-inducing properties have really been tested yet, it being the weekend. I mean, I feel like I'm surfing the internet with laser-like focus. I did manage just to get up and do some things that would normally require several minutes of self-cajoling and threatening in order to accomplish. Probably though, the seven hours of school-related training that I'll sit through tomorrow and four hours on Tuesday will tell me a lot more about what the pills do for my ability to focus.
I don't know yet if this is the right med or the right dosage or even what precisely it will do for me. But it's a start and I am hopeful.
Jennie says:
June 15, 2009 at 08:25 AM
I'm glad you have an official diagnosis (and proof your intuition was right). I hope the speed works and many good things come your way. Bring on the jokes!
Diane says:
June 15, 2009 at 11:04 AM
I can't imagine the relief you must feel. I hope the meds fall into place without too much tinkering.
Holly says:
June 15, 2009 at 03:51 PM
You're no menace, medicated or not. But I am glad that you're hopeful. You'll find the right dosage and be normal before you know it...well, as normal as any of us can be. You may want to consider taking the full dose just on the weekends though. I enjoy the entertainment!
Brother Outlaw. says:
June 15, 2009 at 05:33 PM
ADHD - Naughty Boy Syndrome. I believe that was me who described it as such. 'if you give a naughty boy amphetamines, he will become exponentially naughtier'. Rubbish! That is akin to saying that if I give an otherwise happy person prozac they will become exponentially happier. It doesn't work like that.
The truth is when one talks psychiatry it is easy to get whatever diagnosis you want. a good friend who is a noted clinical psychologist told me that 90% of depression is "self-caused" through thinking patterns, etc. Only 10% is truly clinical.
I find it tremendously hard to believe that someone - like yourself - who apparently sailed through school and tests (with high grades) is even considered to be a candidate for ADD.
Remembering to do things is a matter of priority. I'm sure you would begin remembering what day trash day were if you let 3 weeks of garbage build up in the garage.
As a side note, the rate of ADHD in children has been seen to remarkably drop through a.)good parenting practices and b.) good nutrition. But oh no, a pill is a much easier answer.
I'm not for a second discounting your symptoms or issues; however, On a personal level what you describe appears to be a normal part of my everyday life and most of those people I know. In fact I believe one of our greatest faults as human beings is being too self-focused.
Lori says:
June 15, 2009 at 05:41 PM
Yes, you are discounting my symptoms and issues.
And yes, it does work like that. Amphetamines are powerful stimulants. Stimulants make people hyperactive. It's very simple and totally unrelated to Prozac.
Brother Outlaw says:
June 15, 2009 at 06:31 PM
No, I am not discounting your symptoms. I forget to put the trash out, I forget where i put my keys only 2 minutes after putting them down, I forget what we are having for dinner tonight even though I got told this morning. I daydream too much. The list is endless.
Of course amphetamines are powerful stimulants and they will focus the mind more, hence why college students use them to study all night/get through tests. You don't need to be ADD in order for Adderall to 'work'. There is no logic though to you suggesting that if a naughty boy took speed, he would become worse in behaviour. Cite a study(!?), if you will. How would you differentiate between a naughty boy and one with ADHD?
Lori says:
June 15, 2009 at 06:58 PM
Of course everyone forgets things. I don't believe I have ADD because I sometimes forget things or sometimes daydream. It's a totality of symptoms and the degree to which it affects the things I'd like to do and the person I'd like to be. Here's a list of symptoms:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive
And I don't need a study. I don't understand what you're missing here. If a child is acting out due to plain old naughtiness and he then takes a powerful stimulant, he will become more hyperactive, which tends to lead to, at least what we think of in school, as naughty behavior. This is why it is known as speed. And yet this same powerful stimulant has the opposite effect on a child with ADHD. Instead of being more likely to run around out of control, he is more likely to be able to sit still. It's a totally different physical response to the same substance. A depressant will calm a child who is just acting out.
A naughty boy chooses to act out. A child with ADHD cannot control the impulse. There's a difference. It takes careful observation by well-informed professionals to make the distinction. Ask your wife. She works with kids whose learning has been impaired by their inability to focus or, in some cases, even sit still long enough to learn. It's a real physiological disorder of the neurotransmitters in the brain and there's no reason to hold those kids back when we can help them.
My body isn't doing what it should do for me. This medication, or one like it, can make it do that. I see no reason to continue to struggle against my brain's limitations if I can do something about it. I don't see why that bothers you.
Dave says:
June 15, 2009 at 09:03 PM
This discussion is eerily similar to one I had with an ADHD girl last year. I don't want to get in the middle of this sibling debate, but I do want to throw support to Brother Outlaw. He seems to be the lone wolf on this issue and I thought he should know that there are other like-minded people out here.
Brother Outlaw says:
June 15, 2009 at 10:14 PM
I can check off 6 of those symptoms. A diagnosis!
It seems niave to class ADD meds as mere amphetamines. My reaction to speed and adderall I suspect would be very different. The dopamine, serotonin and beta endorphin response I can imagine would be vastly different between these two drugs. I suggest this to be the same with children.
The children i went to school with, who in our generation would be classed as ADD/ADHD were *generally* those with low IQ whom have trouble concentrating and feel frustation or anger because of their ability to comprehend conepts. This is often displayed in unruly behaviour and results in them playing up.
It is true that my wife deals with children who, without meds would learn very little; however (to repeat a point you fail to acknowledge), I find it tough to believe someone who had ADD would be able to breeze through school (as it is rumoured you did) without any form of prescription.
What bothers me is that you air this in a public forum. This is your right, yet it seems you are saying that unless I endorse (or agree with you) then what business is it of mine. Do you only accept positive comments?
Lori says:
June 15, 2009 at 10:52 PM
You are of course free to state your own opinion. Otherwise I would have just deleted your comments. If you were just stating an opinion that differed from mine, I'd leave it alone. But if you're going to claim to be making factual statements that are wrong, I'm going to correct them. I didn't decide on a whim that I wanted to have ADD. I did research on this for the past few years before seeking a diagnosis, so I know some things about it.
Sure, you can have symptoms of ADD and not have it. I explained, it's the severity and the extent to which it interferes with your life. There are degrees to these things. I have a couple of symptoms of autism, but no doctor would diagnose me with it. I went to someone who knew what he was doing because I didn't want someone to just take my word for it and write me a prescription. He was thorough and I trust him.
Many people with ADHD have high IQs. This is often a way of diagnosing the disorder. When there is a discrepancy between test scores and academic achievement, there is clearly something going on, ADHD or otherwise. I was, in fact, pulled out of class during elementary school to see the school psychologist because of that very issue. Had ADHD been known at the time, I would very likely have been diagnosed then.
Yes, I skated through school. I have a high IQ and developed good coping mechanisms. I chose a major and minor that required very little work of a person who can write well. I chose a grad program that didn't require a thesis, not because I can't write but because I didn't think I could take on that big of a project that required so many steps and so much planning. I knew in 1998 that I had a hard time with those things and I didn't trust myself to be able to manage it. I didn't have a name for it, but I knew where I struggled and I worked around it.
And you are absolutely wrong in your assertions about the difference between Adderall and amphetamines. There is no difference. Adderall is a brand name for amphetamines. My prescription bottle, as I said in the post, reads "Amphetamine Tabs" because it is indeed amphetamines and nothing else. It's a controlled substance in a special red bottle and written on a special prescription paper, which I have to drive to the doctor's office and pick up myself because he can't call it in because it is, as I said, amphetamines.
You can do some research and dispute me with facts or we can agree to disagree about this.
auntie says:
June 16, 2009 at 12:43 PM
i didn't have the patience to read all of the misinformed comments from Brother Outlaw (eerily reminiscent of tom cruise not all that long ago) so i'll save my breath on that...
lori - i can tell you that i've never met anyone that has understood my depression and the effect it has on me - the way my mind works, my energy levels, my interactions with others - unless they've actually experienced it for themselves. i think it's probably the same way for you with the ADHD. we can talk about it and describe it to others until we're blue in the face, but they just don't get it. sometimes it's because they don't want to (AHEM), but more often it's because they haven't been there.
i'm glad you're getting the help that you need in order to feel like the person you want to be. and screw anyone who tells you otherwise!