Fun with WebMD

Below is WebMD's list of Adderall's possible side effects, along with my self-diagnosis notes. Enjoy!

Chronic Trouble Sleeping: Thankfully, no. You wouldn't like me when I'm sleep-deprived.

Abnormal Heart Rhythm: Heart rhythm's not bad. For a white girl.

Nervousness: Are there people I don't know around? Otherwise, probably not.

Easily Angered or Annoyed: I have started this drug a time of the month during which it is impossible to assign blame for this characteristic with any accuracy.

False Sense of Well-Being: I don't think so, but sign me up.

Coldness of Hands and Feet: I certainly hope not. If my hands and feet get any colder, they'll turn black and fall off.

Urinary Tract Infection: OH HELL NO. Given the choice between having my wisdom teeth out again and peeing molten lava, I'd take oral surgery every time. WITH OR WITHOUT ANESTHESIA.

Hives: None currently but I am sort of allergic to, you know, outside.

Trouble Breathing: Only during physical activity. Perhaps I ought to avoid it altogether. Safety first!

Infection: We could find out by checking to see if my white blood cell count is high. I know that because I watch House. TV is real learny.

Blurred Vision: I'd more likely blame any blurriness on the brand new contacts, but everything seems to be ship shape, seeing-wise.

Dry Mouth: Yep, got it. Fortunately, with any medication, a person can only experience one side-effect, so since I have this one, I should be golden on all of the other stuff. Wait, what? Crap.

Inability to have an Erection: N/A

Dizzy: No more than usual.

Excessive Sweating: It's Texas in June. Excessive sweating isn't a side effect, it's a state of being.

Inflammation of Skin caused by an Allergy: Only if I get stung by a bee. Why, did you see a bee? DID YOU? WHERE DID IT GO? IS IT ON ME? GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!

Taste Problems: What, like I'll buy leopard-print pants or start listening to Yanni?

Loss of Appetite: Awesome!

Weight Loss: Yes, please!

Head Pain: Only related to PMS. Or not enough sleep. Or too much sleep. Or not enough caffeine. Or too much caffeine. Or math.

Fast Heartbeat: Is Taye Diggs on TV?

Heart Throbbing or Pounding: See above.

Feel Like Throwing Up: Is Jennifer Love Hewitt on TV?

Throwing Up: Ew, no.

Diarrhea: Ewwww, no.

Feeling Weak: In what regard WebMD? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Please elaborate.

Sexual problems: Have still not managed to seduce Taye Diggs. It's a problem.

Taking Habit Forming Drugs: Just the heroin, as per usual.

Feeling Restless: Always.

Depression: I believe we're still calling it a recession, WebMD. Watch some news sometime. Gosh.

Aggressive Behavior: Ooh, I hope so!

Worsening Symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome: PANTS

High Blood Pressure: Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low blood pressure.

Heart Attack: Did Taye Diggs walk into the room? (Are you tired of the Taye Diggs jokes yet, Internet?)

Disease of the Muscle of the Heart: Made of solid rock is ok?

Stroke: Usually the front crawl, although I try to add in some backstroke and breaststroke to work different muscles.

Seizures: Only upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and with a warrant particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized, as outlined by the Fourth Amendment.

Fever: I got a fever. And the only cure is more Taye Diggs jokes.

Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis: I don't know what that is. Sounds bad though. Toxic=I'm slipping under. Epidermal=skin. Necro=dead. Lysis=probably a Greek god. Slipping under the skin of a dead Greek? I don't know what this has to do with Adderall, but color me uninterested.

Rash: Sometimes, but I think this med is supposed to help me be less impulsive and make more deliberate, well-thought-out decisions.

Chest Pain: The girls are a little sore, but again, we cannot blame the Adderall.

Giant Hives: Holy hell. Can I change my answer about nervousness? Because who knew there was such a thing as giant hives? Now I'm nervous! About getting giant hives!

Mental Impairment: Well, you know, ADD.

Hallucination: Gosh, I hope so. I've always been too much of a goody-goody for psychotropic drugs. LET ME HAVE THIS.

Reaction due to an Allergy: Typically, "Oh, damn. Nasal congestion."

Mood Changes: Wouldn't it be more abnormal if my mood never changed? That doesn't seem like it would be ok. So yes, mood changes. I have 'em.

Mental Disorder with Loss of Normal Personality: Wait, I was supposed to have a normal personality? Uh oh.

Anxiousness: GIANT HIVES!