I suppose it's excellent timing. Here, on the eve of my ADD evaluation, the mental chaos is getting the better of me a little. The thoughts are swirling around me, but I can't make them land.
I don't deal well with spur-of-the-moment decisions, and far less so when there is no answer that doesn't mean letting somebody down. I can't be and do everything that everyone wants and needs me to be and do. My guilt over that doesn't do anybody any good, I realize, but that doesn't stop it.
I am easily overwhelmed. If there is more than one demand of me at a time, my instinct is to shut down. Get under the covers, open a book, and hope it all goes away. If there are too many emails in my inbox, I just stop answering them. I understand that it only compounds the problem, but it's the knee-jerk reaction that I constantly have to fight. It's the same with the mail sometimes. It piles up. I am not a good correspondent or an ideal roommate in these regards.
I lose things. I am out of contacts for my right eye because I must have lost a box somehow. I need to figure out where it will be cheapest to get a new prescription and new contacts. I have two kinds of insurance that may apply. I have to wear my glasses all of the time until I get this done. I am, thus far, unequal to the task. I can't start.
I dreamed last night that I was pregnant, but couldn't think of any names, couldn't reach the father to discuss names with him. I read that pregnancy dreams mean some idea, project, or change that you're working your way up to. I guess I can't even name mine.
I have big ideas. I have poor follow-through. I am a daydreamer and a realist. I do a lot of mental soaring and crashing because of these traits. There are no external results, except maybe the way that people point out when I look tired.
Some of you seem to think, based on reading this blog, that I am charming. You would find me awkward and aloof if we met. I require editing.
I wish I could remember things. I wish I could stop anticipating the moment when I will be, for each person in my life, less than I am supposed to be. I wish I could pick an idea, name it, and see it through. I wish I wasn't paralyzed by indecision.
I am inadequate. I'm feeling it tonight.