Pluck them from the air, line them up in a row.
Posted June 11, 2009
I suppose it's excellent timing. Here, on the eve of my ADD evaluation, the mental chaos is getting the better of me a little. The thoughts are swirling around me, but I can't make them land.
I don't deal well with spur-of-the-moment decisions, and far less so when there is no answer that doesn't mean letting somebody down. I can't be and do everything that everyone wants and needs me to be and do. My guilt over that doesn't do anybody any good, I realize, but that doesn't stop it.
I am easily overwhelmed. If there is more than one demand of me at a time, my instinct is to shut down. Get under the covers, open a book, and hope it all goes away. If there are too many emails in my inbox, I just stop answering them. I understand that it only compounds the problem, but it's the knee-jerk reaction that I constantly have to fight. It's the same with the mail sometimes. It piles up. I am not a good correspondent or an ideal roommate in these regards.
I lose things. I am out of contacts for my right eye because I must have lost a box somehow. I need to figure out where it will be cheapest to get a new prescription and new contacts. I have two kinds of insurance that may apply. I have to wear my glasses all of the time until I get this done. I am, thus far, unequal to the task. I can't start.
I dreamed last night that I was pregnant, but couldn't think of any names, couldn't reach the father to discuss names with him. I read that pregnancy dreams mean some idea, project, or change that you're working your way up to. I guess I can't even name mine.
I have big ideas. I have poor follow-through. I am a daydreamer and a realist. I do a lot of mental soaring and crashing because of these traits. There are no external results, except maybe the way that people point out when I look tired.
Some of you seem to think, based on reading this blog, that I am charming. You would find me awkward and aloof if we met. I require editing.
I wish I could remember things. I wish I could stop anticipating the moment when I will be, for each person in my life, less than I am supposed to be. I wish I could pick an idea, name it, and see it through. I wish I wasn't paralyzed by indecision.
I am inadequate. I'm feeling it tonight.
Emily says:
June 11, 2009 at 06:54 AM
I live with someone just like you Lori; live with him and love him and he is not the burden to me or his friends and family that I think he assumes he is. Neither are you. His biggest obstacle is disappointing himself, but it seems to help when he's got a little medication to take the sting out. Hope your eval goes well and you find a little relief. Thinking of you.
Sharon says:
June 11, 2009 at 07:06 AM
I tried to warn Eili before we get married about what he was getting himself into. I would explain to him that I am a highly flawed person, and as much as I try to improve, my various (numerous) flaws mean that I will be difficult to deal with every day for the rest of his life. I couldn't see, from his shoes, choosing such a troublesome life as it would surely be with me. He must be a glutton for punishment, I figured, but if he was willing even after being warned, then I guess I better take him up on his offer as surely no other sucker would be so blindly willing to take me on. He said, "You're crazy." I replied "Yes! That's it exactly!" But no, he explained, what he meant is that I am not as flawed as my deeply critical introspection would lead me to believe. I am, as are you, my own worst critic. Flawed? Yes, but no more so than the rest of humanity, just more aware of it, and therefore in a better position to change it over time. We are all works in progress, and like the alcoholics of the world, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I think it is brave that at your age you are looking into treating your ADD. You are taking steps to improve that will surely send ripples through the other problems you listed. So, think about the parts of you that are adequate and beyond. Because we are all inadequate, but at least you can spell it.
CharlesP says:
June 11, 2009 at 07:20 AM
I'll resist the typical guy instinct to try and "fix it" with proposed solutions (look at me grow!) and just say
A) that awkward and aloof do not mean "not charming"... we all require editing (at least all of us on the internet do... and probably should have more of it while we're here).
B) Don't forget that even though you see people doing all these wonderful projects on the internet, you're not seeing the millions of failed projects, procrastinations, and ideas that died on the vine that some of the same people (and everybody else) have gone (and are going) through.
It can be very inspirational to see all the wonderful things people do, but it can be cripplingly intimidating too. My version of that is looking at my friend Jamie who was my roommate at a writing class three years ago. He's an NYT best selling author now, and I'm still writing code at "the bank".
That aspirational propensity is a large part of what allows humans to achieve so much, but also a large part of what makes us feel so inadequate at times. You're not alone in feeling inadequate
(and now I fear that I fell into typical "guy mode" and tried to fix it... and that makes me feel inadequate).
Emily says:
June 11, 2009 at 12:21 PM
I, too, am often paralyzed with indecision. Having too many options makes me want to just have someone else make the decision for me.
LaughingMouse says:
June 11, 2009 at 01:35 PM
Lori you have, literally, put my most recent thoughts and struggles and irritations all down in exact prose that I identify with so much more than you could realize.
Know that not in spite of these things, but BECAUSE OF THEM I love you and I am glad that you are in my life, in whatever form or fashion that takes.
((hug))
Laura says:
June 11, 2009 at 04:11 PM
Sounds like you're describing me. Just reading through some of those things makes me a little stressed because many of those things have piled up for me as well. Oh, how I really wish I could remember things too! It would be easier to get everything done if you remember what it was you had to do instead of just having that nagging feeling that there is always something you aren't remembering to do.
I hope these feelings have passed (for the most part) come morning. I don't know where we get the idea that we have to be something different than what you've described; who are these people who don't get overwhelmed by these things? I don't think many of them actually exist. And, while I do imagine you are quite the charming person, I think I've also read enough to see that you're a more reserved person who takes time to get to know. What's wrong with that? I'm like that too. I constantly get comments that I'm "shy" (as if that's the worst thing in the world?) and intimidating, neither of which I consider myself. I think anyone who meets you and says you are awkward and aloof is someone who is judging you without bothering to get to know you better. It sucks that people do that and just assume they know you from the start, but if they aren't willing to get past the first layer then that is their loss.
About the big ideas - I have them too and I change them just about every hour, and once in a blue moon I follow through. It gets pretty frustrating, especially when you make the mistake of telling someone about them and they actually think you'll follow through, and when you don't, you feel really bad about disappointing them (even if they don't really care that much). However, I really do believe that when the *right* idea comes along, you'll pursue it to the end. At least, I'm hoping that's true... ;)
Diane says:
June 12, 2009 at 09:49 AM
I used to have my head together. I used to be able to keep a to do list clearly in my mind without having to write it down. I used to be present and involved in my day-to-day activities. I could even be social when I had to be. (I've never been great at it, but it was possible.)
Then I had kids. And now I can't keep my thoughts in order long enough to write them down. I can't do simple tasks, like cleaning the kitchen, because halfway through unloading the dishwasher I find myself reorganizing a cabinet and washing a pan and getting the broom to sweep the floor. I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone, that my forgetfulness is a huge burden to those I love. I feel like I can't be there for anyone else because I am so trapped in my own head and my own thoughts. While I'm sure what I'm experiencing is completely different from what you are experiencing, this post really resonated with me. Thank you for writing it, and thank you for giving me a place to vent what has been building in my head for the last 3 years.
I hope your evaluation goes well and the waves settle a bit. And maybe you do "require editing", but I am still certain I would find you charming in real life.
The Delicate Flower says:
June 12, 2009 at 10:37 AM
I love the way you look at the world, and tremendously enjoy your blog and twitter feed. Be kind to yourself -- being like everyone else is overrated. :)
@thedelicateflwr
(I'm also in SA, by the way... perhaps we might cross paths at a tweet-up one day. I promise not to be charming, much.)
Dave says:
June 13, 2009 at 06:06 PM
One of my very bestest friends is ADD positive. I hate that she takes meds for it. I find her 'quirks' to be endearing. That's just who she is and I don't see why medication is necessary. She assures me that there is a huge difference on the inside, even if I don't see it on the outside.
I still think we're over-medicated as a society, but I love her lots regardless. She is definitely 'charming' and I'd bet you are in person as well.
auntie says:
June 16, 2009 at 12:08 PM
oh, holy cats, sister! you just described what goes on in my brain all the time. i take anti-depressants, so i'm not sure if it's the meds or actually the depression that makes me think like that, but either way it's difficult and annoying. i usually describe it to people like my thoughts are all swirling around on a very fast merry-go-round and i can't get it slowed down enough to even grab one thought and pull it down so i can work on it. i think your words explain it better, though! i'm always amazed when i read things like this and realize that i'm not the only person in the world that feels this way. sure helps!!