Please note that the Her in question was, at the time of this conversation, very, very angry with her husband.
Her: Don't ever get married. There's no good reason to get married.
Me: I'd do it for the gifts. I've bought high thread count sheets and nice kitchen stuff that I can't afford to buy for myself for about half of the people I know. I want payback.
Her: Oh. Well, yeah, that's a good reason. And you'd only really have to stay married about six months.
So I guess that's settled. Anybody want to marry me for roughly six months? We could split the stuff at the end. I call dibs on the sheets.