How are you today? I'm superfantastic.

Because nerdy humor is the cornerstone of any good relationship

Yes, I took a picture of our shoes. What? They were matchy. And we had spent part of the previous day mocking a hipster couple who came to the San Diego Zoo dressed in matching plaid flannels (worn ironically, one assumes) and matching dour expressions. How does a person stay that serious at the zoo? And if our shoes matched, were we morally obligated to be that serious too?

If so, then we failed entirely.

Me: Aww...our shoes match.

Him: Yep.

Me: Except yours are Evolution. Mine must be creationists.

Him: Well, they are from Texas.

Coming soon! Actual stuff about my trip to San Diego. Coming even sooner! My Whatever Number It Is Annual State of the Union post! I shushed a full-grown man in order to take complete notes for you. During the Republican response, even. That is what we call a commitment to one's readers. You're welcome, Internet.

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

You may have seen already on my Twitter a quote from one of my sixth graders' journals. The topic had to do with having met someone new. He told about meeting the girl he liked. She's very pretty, apparently, and he likes her smile and laugh. He closed with this:

"She is the only girl I love and only will be. I would never let her be sad."

Adorable, right? Of course, we know that nobody has the power to keep another person from ever being sad, but isn't it lovely that he thinks he could? I'm confident that he really does mean it, too. This is a boy who is always smiling. In fact, I can't even use the patented smile if you're lying trick that is so effective with most middle schoolers, because he'll smile either way. And he loves to help people and make them happy. So it stands to reason that he might believe he could keep the object of his affection from ever being sad.

I thought about how I'd want that to end if I were to write it about someone. How to change it to make it no less sweet, but more realistic. Here's what I came up with:

I would never let him be sad alone.

That's not to say that I'd pledge to never let him be alone while sad. I don't imagine that my constant presence has restorative properties. Quite the contrary, I imagine. A person needs some alone time. Also, I have a job, so it would be pretty unrealistic to imagine that I could follow through on the never leaving him alone thing.

It happened that, around the same time I read the journal, I saw that Theresa had posed the question on Tumblr today, "What does being in love feel like?" and Smartasshat answered, "You experience their joy (and pain) as your own." So yeah, that's what I mean. To laugh his joy and cry his grief, as E.E. Cummings put it.

Just some thoughts on love from me, a sixth grader, two invisible internet people, and a great American poet. Please do join in the conversation. It's ok, you don't need to feel you're competing for the best way to express it. That sixth grader clearly has all of us beat already.

Probability of skinned knees: almost certain

Once a month, I cannot get over how annoying everyone around me has suddenly decided to be. It's as if everyone got together and plotted how best to irritate me. And then despair! Because my pants don't fit and I have gotten fat overnight! And why am I crying over Olympics commercials? Curse you, Dan Jansen and your compelling tale of personal tragedy! And you too Spokesperson Morgan Freeman with your voice made of soft, warm corduroy!

Then of course, I realize that's it's been about 28 days since this last happened and OH YEAH DUH, THAT.

Similarly, at certain points while running I begin to feel like I'd rather stop running, thanks. And then I wonder why I'm doing this stupid running thing in the first place when it hate it so completely. And then I lose the will to run even one more step and, by mile three, to live.

Then I realize that I am running uphill.

A few minutes later, I'm going downhill and it doesn't feel like I'm running through pudding anymore and I begin to think that maybe I could even like this running thing.

On Wednesday, I ran over three miles, finally completing the 5K portion of the Couch to 5K program. It only took me a week longer to get there than it was supposed to, which is pretty good considering that I took a week off at Thanksgiving and another one over New Years and also that I ran twice a week, instead of the recommended three times, probably as often as not. So if you're considering starting running, I recommend it.

Anyway, I finished my run on Wednesday on a pretty good downhill slope. In order to make it the full three miles, I had run very, very slowly. But once the end was in sight, I let my legs go as fast as they wanted down that hill. My stride quadrupled in length and I felt like I had as a kid, flying with abandon down the hill outside our house, like I was a cartoon character with legs spinning in full circles. And for the first time since I started this, running felt good, not because it was an accomplishment, but because it was fun.

Sure, it was only about the last twenty yards, but it was enough to make me look forward to the next time. And at the risk of turning this into a schmaltzy Running As Life metaphor post, I'm betting it's going to be a lot easier to plod through the uphill parts when there's the promise of flying at the end.

"I am fine. Haiti is not."

That's from my friend Angela's Facebook wall. She's in Haiti now, just visiting. She's ok. 

I am relieved. Haiti is devastated.

The death toll is not known, but may be over 100,000.

You almost certainly already know this.

You know how to operate the internet. You don't me to tell you how or where you can donate.

I'm aware that this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. I need to feel that I can do something, so I am offering you these donation links that you are perfectly capable of finding on your own, if you are so inclined. This is what I can do.

Red Cross

Doctors Without Borders

I do not like green eggs and SPAM, as far as I know.

Don't worry, Internet. I won't let the vast fortune change me.

I just wanted to say that up front, because it will be clear to you that what I'm about to unveil will change my life forever. I'm going to be quite wealthy and I don't want you to become concerned that I'll forget all about you.

What I'm talking about is a business venture that is such a sure thing, I can't believe nobody has thought of it before. It seems obvious to me, but maybe that's because I'm a Big Idea Person. 

It all came to me while I was in Hawaii. I heard that SPAM is a big thing there. Hawaiians are crazy for SPAM. So much so that many restaurants, including McDonald's, serve SPAM and eggs for breakfast. In fact, a popular snack food there is SPAM Musubi. You can get it reasonably priced at 7-Eleven.

 

In case you can't tell from the picture, SPAM Musubi consists of rice, teriaki sauce, and SPAM wrapped in seaweed. It's like a sushi roll, except instead of fish, SPAM. And it's rectangular.

Raj told me that I was going to have to try it. I was unexcited. At best. But I'll try most things once, so I agreed to give it a whirl. We stopped by a 7-Eleven, inquired about the SPAM Musubi, and were told that it was in the microwave. Mmmm...freshly reheated canned ham product. Two please.

We went to a park, because a person likes a little ambiance with her dubious food item. I unwrapped it. I took a bite.

Internet, it was good.

I liked it, this...SPAM sushi. Spushi, if you will.

I'm not going to lie to you, I made a lot of Spushi jokes once the name occurred to me. A LOT. Raj, to his credit, at least pretended to find each and every one of them funny. It's a fun word to say. Try it. SPOO-shee. Spushi!

I bet a lot of people would like to say it. And eat it. Why, this could be the next big thing! I'll bring Spushi!™ to the mainland!

We've even got a slogan, courtesy of one of Raj's med school classmates. Her reaction upon trying it for the first time (under significant duress) was, "It's not as disgusting as I thought it would be."

Spushi!™: It's not as disgusting as you think it will be!

Obviously there is some coordinating to be done with the SPAM and 7-Eleven people before we can make Spushi!™ a reality. But before you can say "Spiced ham rice teriyaki seaweed snack food treat" I'll be running my very own empire. And I'll be happy to share my Spushi!™ fortune with those who supported me before I was a millionairess. You can visit me at the Spushi!estate. Or the penthouse at Spushi!towers. I'll send the Spushi!jet to pick you up. Need a grant funded? Just apply with the Spushi!fund.

Most importantly, please enjoy Spushi!™ responsibly. And often.

Friday Love List: Oahu Edition

Yeah, yeah it's a cop out. It's just, I can't seem to think of a way to write about the trip that isn't a "On Monday, we... On Tuesday, we..." sort of thing. So this is what you get.

Things I loved about Hawaii:

A climate that makes locals apologize repeatedly for the badness of the weather when it's 80 and *gasp* cloudy!

  
Chilling on a boat with a nice cold Kona Brewing Co. Longboard Island Lager. (Why yes, I did just google Hawaiian beer and look for the label I recognized.)

The colors blue and green in their many glorious forms

Making new friends

Hosts who make a person feel really and truly welcome as a houseguest

A Lava Flow. It's a strawberry daiquiri and a pina colada combined in such a way as to look like lava. Very tasty and especially enjoyable when the view from your table is this:

The way that "What should I wear?" is consistently answered with "Whatever you want - it's Hawaii."

Chocolate macadamia nut coffee

An abundance of amazing sushi and also something new to me, which is poke (poh-KAY). It is raw fish and it is entirely wonderful. Oh, don't turn your nose up.

Flowers

  

 

Ok, fine, that last one isn't a flower, but it is something lovely surrounded by leaves. 

Places so photogenic that you can impersonate a talented photographer just by pointing your camera at them

Things I did not love about Hawaii: 

Leaving Hawaii

Good Stuff Tuesdays: Follow This New Years Advice Edition

Well yes, of course there will be Hawaii posts coming, full of pictures that will make us all sad that we are existing in places that are not Hawaii. Like this one:

I know, right?

But it is late and I seem incapable of accomplishing anything in the evenings so far this week. But even more than that (no, really) I think you really need to read this post by Donald Miller, Living a Good Story: An Alternative to New Year's Resolutions. You owe it to yourself, even. So much so that the you of a year from now would be pretty pissed at the you of now if you chose not to. Oh yes, I feel strongly about it.

The basic premise is that you should see your life as a story, your goals as future plot. In any good story, a character wants something and must overcome something to get what he or she wants. So first you figure out what you want. Then you figure out what you'll have to overcome to get it. Then, and these are some differences from your average resolution, you picture your climactic moment in which you get the thing you want, the way that writers often envision the culminating scene before writing most of the thing. Also, you must create a catalyst. Characters don't want to change. In any good story, something comes along and makes them change. You, however, don't have anybody to script that for you, so you're going to have to make up your own.

Donald Miller wants to get in shape. He's going to have to overcome not wanting to eat healthy foods and work out. He envisioned himself at the top of Mt. Hood. He incited himself to actually get into mountain-climbing shape by inviting a friend to climb with him, a friend who bought a plane ticket for the purpose of doing so. He's got to actually do it now, doesn't he?

I want to get in shape. I'm going to have to overcome being a lazy ass. I'm envisioning myself running a 5K and a 10K in the next year. You know, in front of people. In races, where it will seem important to maintain a respectable pace and not stop and sit down at any point. I am inciting myself to do this by telling you, the Internet, so that I may fear the weight of your judgment.

So there you have my loosely-plotted 2010 story arc. Will our protagonist get her butt off the couch and become capable of running more than two consecutive miles and doing so at a far less turtle/molasses/paint-drying-y pace? Stay tuned!

While you wait, you'll have plenty of time to go and read that post that I told you to read. Also the next one, regarding creating memorable scenes for this story that is your life. You even have time to think of your own 2010 story arc. If you'd like to post it here, for internet shame and accountability purposes, go right ahead. I'd be only too happy to incite you.

The Year in Self-Portraits

Ok, fine. This is perhaps my most self-indulgent post ever. But it's been a highly documentable year and, as I've previously mentioned, I believe that anything worth remembering is worth capturing in self-portrait form. So here we go.

 

2009 started with what I didn't know would be the first of multiple DC trips, for the inauguration. Here I am a couple of days later with Angela and Maureen, enjoying a nice winter day on the Mall, crowd-free.

After inauguration, I started my teaching job. Kristin and Lisa, who went through my same alternative certification program, were among the many who (totally unaided by our crappy ACP) did not get jobs before giving up and leaving Texas. We went for one last Texan night out at Cowboys Dance Hall for live bull-riding and awkward two-stepping with Air Force guys who don't actually know how to two-step.

At the end of the school year, Holly, Jenny, my coworker Kristen, and I went out to celebrate summer break freedom. Well, for all of us but Jenny, who has a barbaric year-round work schedule. She was a good sport though. There we are, about to enjoy some Patron. I find it somewhat comforting to note that, while my head appears to be giant in this photo, it looks normal-sized in the other ones.

I was admonished by an usher for taking this one at the Majestic Theater when we went to see Wicked.

In July, I met a tall, dark, and handsome man who took me for a romantic weekend in Austin, which included drinks on the rooftop of Six Lounge where I was, I swear, wearing a dress.

At the beginning of August, Holly and I went to Washington to visit Amy. We were so happy to see each other that we began to give off an other-worldly glow. Or else it's the sun reflecting off the Pacific Ocean just behind us.

Jenny had moved in with us just before we left for our trip. Which was not the reason why we left the state. After we got back, we had a luau at the house to officially welcome her.

I spent Labor Day weekend visiting my sailor in North Carolina. At the time of this photo, we were waiting for the ferry to take us to Ocracoke Island.

Holly came with me to see Ingrid Michaelson perform in Austin, which turned out to be totally worth staying out until one a.m. on a school night. Boy, I sure was shiny that night.

In October, I went back to DC. Raj and I went to the opera at the Kennedy Center. Here there is even a tiny amount of photographic evidence that I was indeed wearing a dress.

This was on one of the many Chipotle Fridays. Chipotle is followed by Target. Sometimes there are photos. Kristen was a good enough sport not to give us problems about that when she came along.

October! The Corn (except it wasn't actually corn) Maze!

A German beer maid and Amy Winehouse may seem an odd combination, but really, who would Amy Winehouse rather hang around than someone whose entire job is to bring mood altering substances?

In November, we went to Wurstfest in New Braunfels for beer, potato pancakes, sausage, apple strudel, and funny hats. Not only are the hats ultra-flattering, they also provided a nice ego boost when some random guy shouted "GIRLS IN HATS! I WANT A PICTURE WITH YOU!" We obliged, like the accommodating frauleins we are.

Later in November, I went to DC for Thanksgiving. Toward the end of the week, I took Raj sightseeing in DC, to the Smithsonian National Museum of American History (outside which we are sitting in the photo) and the Jefferson and FDR Memorials. After I'd gotten us all of those places and back to the Metro again, I announced "Today shall henceforth be known as The Day When Lori Did Not Get Us Lost!" Shut up, I haven't lived in DC in almost six years and neither memory nor directional skills are strengths of mine.

As Owen knows, Ho Ho hats were all the rage during the 2009 Christmas season.

 

Another funny hats at Target picture, but this one with a totally different Holly! The day after Christmas, I flew to Phoenix to see Former DC Roommate Holly. Notice how she has arranged her hat in such a way as to preserve the integrity of her hairdo, while I went ahead and pulled that odd crocheted business right down to my glasses.

Phoenix is also where I met up with Raj on his way to Hawaii. We spent six days on Oahu, staying with friends of his. Here we are about to kayak out to that island you see behind us. Yes, Internet, I sea kayaked and I kind of enjoyed it. I mean, holy hell, it's tiring, but still fun. The key is, and I cannot recommend this strongly enough, to get yourself a big strong man to sit behind you and do most of the actual work.

In Hawaii, we were among the last in the world to ring in 2010, which was absolutely fine by me. I was a big fan of 2009 and was a little bit sorry to see it go. 2010 has some big shoes to fill. 

Early self-portraits seem to indicate that it's up to the challenge.

 

Welcome, 2010. Keep up the good work.