SAN ANTONIO - Minds were blown today when local teacher Ms. Graham (alias: MISS!) added a desk to the semi-circle arrangement in her classroom. At least one student had a total meltdown as a result and was unable to do reading, English, or keep his head up off the desk. His hair was also extremely itchy, though the connection to the added desk portion of the outburst remains unclear.
When questioned about the offending desk, Graham responded, "It's for a new student."
As there was no new student sitting in the desk at that exact moment, questions persisted. "He's in sixth period," she claimed. Graham's credibility is already in question, after having denied that she ever got her cell phone taken away when she was in middle school and her repeated assertions that grammar practice is good for you, like broccoli.
"What if you get a bunch of new students next year?" a student, who totally did mean to be writing in his journal, but was too distracted by the new desk abomination, worried.
Graham blithely dismissed his concern. "Probably I'd rearrange the desks. Do your journal."
It should be noted that this teacher has a history of erratic and disruptive behavior, including wearing glasses on some days instead of contacts, putting the wrong lesson number on the agenda that one time, and having moved the desks from rows into the semi-circle in the first place.
In related news, any tremors felt around 3:00 on Friday, March 5 will likely result from the Earth spinning off its axis as Ms. Graham leaves 8th period early for a doctor appointment. It's just for a check up. She's fine. She won't be absent again like she was those four times, the dates of which at least one student can recite from memory.
Though many students see it as too little too late, coming on the heels of Extra Desk-gate, Graham does promise to never, ever again do prizes on a Thursday instead of Friday like she did that one time she was going to be absent on Friday. She explains, "The resulting tear in the fabric of the universe required far too much paperwork to document."
We'll bring you the latest details on this story as it develops.