Share something you struggle with
When I looked over the list of topics, I hadn't been sure what I'd write about for this one. Not for lack of ideas - I struggle with plenty of things. But it turns out to have caught me on one of the days when my struggle with infertility comes front and center. I spent most of the afternoon in bed with what will turn out to be my PMS headache. Some otherwise unexplained nausea over the past couple of days had my hopes up that this would be our month. The timing would be so great! We could be moved back to the US when the baby came and Raj wouldn't have started back to residency yet, so he'd actually be around. But it's not our month. Again. We're coming up on two years of not our month and it only gets more heartbreaking every time. I start to get riled up about the unfairness of it all, then remind myself of how many people are dealing with circumstances so profoundly much more unfair, then remind myself that fairness wasn't ever a part of the deal when it comes to being alive on this planet. Then I check my app to see what the dates are for the coming month and try to move on. In the words of Aaron Sorkin, "What's next?" And soon I will move on until these last four weeks mean nothing because the next four are my whole world. I will get my hopes up again. I try to convince myself not to, but I don't know what the alternative is.
Any day of the last four weeks I would have written about something else, but you're getting me on my sad day, so there's the truth about my current biggest struggle.
Here's an upside though, for those of you who need one. Back when infertility was just a vague idea, rather than my reality, I worried about how the possibility of it might affect a person's marriage. Thankfully, I can report that it's brought us together instead of the alternative. We're a team in this, as in everything else. This past year has been a tough one for numerous reasons, but Raj makes it still good. He's my happy thought. (My patronus is a sloth bear.)