How are you today? I'm superfantastic.

DIAL BACK THE PANIC

I make no secret of my belief that it is your right, nay your responsibility as a citizen, to speak out when you think your elected officials are doing the wrong things. You should feel free to use avenues such as your Facebook status updates to do so. Just one thing I ask of you.

APPLY SOME DAMN COMMON SENSE.

No, President Obama is not going to sign away our sovereignty as a nation to enter into a world government under the guise of a global warming treaty. Even if you imagine that our President is such a radical lunatic nutjob that he'd want to do such a thing, let's all think back to social studies and remember that a treaty has to be ratified by two-thirds of the Senate. Then let's take a deep breath. Perhaps we could also consider the mind-blowing impossibility of uniting all countries in the world under one government. That should calm us down regarding that possibility, no?

No, passing any sort of government-sponsored health care plan will not turn us into [name of developing nation with a despotic ruler]. The word "socialist" is being thrown around and terrifying people all over. I found it a little startling when, as a college freshman, I heard it used in the names of political parties in Europe. But...socialism! Totalitarian regimes! Communism! I don't know the difference! See, but there is one. Even if a true socialist health care plan were being seriously considered (it's not), its passage would not turn us into a third-world dictatorship. Democracy and socialism are not opposites. Ask pretty much anybody in Western Europe. Nary a communist dictatorship among them.

Also, don't tell anybody, but we've had socialism in this country for years! The government uses everybody's tax dollars to provide a vital service that, but for government intervention, much of the population wouldn't be able to afford. Do you know what it is? Public schools! And yet, here we are, the world's oldest continually-operating democracy. Retroactive panic on this issue seems silly, no?

(Note: you don't want to get into it with me regarding having to pay for public schools that you don't use unless you want to justify your interest in creating a permanent underclass in this country of people who produce generation after generation of illiterate children due to inability to pay for school and/or homeschool their children due to their own complete lack of education. Whether you use the public schools or not, you benefit from living in a society where everyone has access to basic education. No, really. You do.)

I was, as you know, no fan of the most recent President Bush. I thought he made terrible decisions. But at no point did I think or say that he had a nefarious agenda to bring down America. I was able to disagree with the way he went about it without oh, say, labeling him the anti-Christ (or, as I have also seen, the anti-John the Baptist figure to the coming anti-Christ). I think he was trying, albeit in a way with which I vehemently disagreed, to do what was best. Perhaps we could start from this assumption regarding the current president.

I am not telling you that you have to like President Obama (or that you're unamerican for opposing the president, as was suggested to me during the Bush administration) or that you should support health care reform. I am asking you, when you see that YouTube video informing you of our impending national demise, to remember that there are checks and balances. Try to keep things logical and respectful. Ease off the Hitler references and the caps lock key.

OR ELSE OBAMA'S FASCIST ROBOT FLYING MONKEY MINIONS WILL EAT ALL OF OUR FACES UNTIL WE DIE!!!!!!

Grammar Geek Wednesdays: Yes, I put a photo in this post Edition

But a photo having to do with one of my grammar pet peeves! Can you spot it?

It's the Unique Mug. Six of them, in fact! The problem here being that unique means one of a kind. These mugs are clearly mass-produced. Sure, if you bought one of these and took it to work, probably nobody would have one like it. But my objection stands.

The definition "one of a kind" also means that something cannot be very unique. It either is or it isn't. Nobody at HGTV seems to understand that, much to my perpetual chagrin.

In non-photo-related grammar complaints, I bring you "first come first serve". It means that the first to arrive will be the first to be served. So there should be a D. First come, first served.

Next we have a South-specific pet peeve. We all know how contractions work, right? The apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter or letters. So then why do people insist on writing ya'll? It is not short for ya will. You're taking out the OU in you. Hence, y'all. You know, if you must write y'all in the first place.

And finally, passerbys. Even typing that makes me flinch. The S goes in the middle to indicate that there is more than one person passing. Passers going by. Passersby.

Whew, it's good to get that off my chest. The grammar angst shouldn't be allowed to build up for too long. Let it out, internet.

Grammar Geek Wednesdays: Hey, remember how I used to do this a long time ago? Edition

I'm bringing it back, folks. I don't have a long list of grammar pet peeves today (clearly I've just not been writing them down, because I see this crap everywhere) but you nerds have had a couple of years off from sharing as well, so I imagine between all of us, we can come up with several examples of heinous language butchery.

I'll start with the one that has been horrifying so many of us, ever since The Age of Flannel: ironic. I am not going to talk about Alanis here. She knows what she did. (Although, in honor of her song, Holly and I will occasionally say "that's ironic" when we mean "that sucks" because yes, Alanis, therein lies the root of your confusion.)

No, this continues to be brought to my attention by a local sportscaster. He seems to think that "ironic" means exactly the same thing as "coincidental". I know all of you know the difference, but Greg Simmons, if you're reading, coincidence and irony are two entirely separate things. If you could stop using these words interchangeably, then Holly and I could stop shouting at our television.

irony: when what happens is the opposite of what is expected (situational irony); when a word is intentionally used to convey the opposite of its meaning (verbal irony)

(Why yes, this poorly-written definition is straight off the top of my head! Feel free to Google a better one.)

Examples:

Situational Irony: Various commentators, upset about the barrage of media coverage surrounding Michael Jackson's death, used a lot of internet media space and TV time to complain about the media over-coverage of Michael Jackson's death. Thus adding to said over-coverage.

Verbal Irony: I put a period after the word superfantastic in the title of this blog (as opposed to an exclamation point) to convey that I didn't mean I was superfantastic at all. In real life, I often use words of this ilk (tremendous, outstanding, superawesome) but never to actually mean that something is great. Always ironically. Even much of my use of exclamation points is intended ironically to indicate that I am not at all excited about what I've just said.

In fact, the way that Holly and I use "that's ironic" to mean what we are perfectly aware that it does not mean in order to express our vexation on the topic would, I believe, constitute using the word ironic ironically.

Let's move on before I get sucked into a vortex of ironic irony, shall we?

Something is not "chalked full" of anything. It is chock full.

This one has nothing to do with proper or improper. I just really, intensely hate the word huzzah. Why do people still say that? It sort of makes my skin crawl. Hurray is such a fun alternative. And doesn't remind a person of a renaissance faire. I think if we banded together and harnessed the power of the internet and our collective nerdery, we could stop it being said altogether. Here's what you do: when you hear somebody say "Huzzah!" you smack them. Not hard. Just enough to trigger an association between saying "huzzah" and getting smacked. WHO'S WITH ME?

And finally: LOL. (Is it just me, or do you pronounce that "lole" in your head when you read it?) First of all, I do not believe that you are laughing out loud. Secondly, I have seen this used even more obnoxiously in place of punctuation. Such as "Sentence which would in no way inspire a person to laugh out loud LOL Another sentence just started without a period or other punctuation ending the first." I realize that I live in an age of technology that is changing the way people write. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

I'd like to leave you with a question. Riddle me this, Internet: when putting a complete sentence after a colon (as I am in the process of doing) do you capitalize the first word of the post-colon sentence? I've gotten conflicting answers on that one, so I'm curious to know what you think.

You are, of course, encouraged as always to leave your own grammar annoyances in the comments as well. Wouldn't it be ironic if none of you did? NO, IT WOULD NOT LOL

The State of the Union Only Not Exactly

They just didn't call it the State of the Union, I guess because he just took office and it's February, not January, or something. So here's your Presidential Address recap post. For past SOTU posts, you can go here, here and especially here. (That last here represents my first SOTU post, my favorite of them and quite possibly my favorite post I've written.)

This year, I didn't watch it alone for once. Holly and I watched it together and we decided to make it interesting. In the form of a drinking game, wherein we would drink every time President Obama said "economy".

By our estimation, he said it 25 and a half times. That half comes from the one time when we weren't entirely sure whether he said it or not, so we took a half-swig for just in case. It turns out that 25.5 drinks is roughly equal to two bottles of beer. Which is a nice buzz for a weeknight. And can inspire an email exchange such as this:

Me: Thanks, Barack, for my Monday night buzz.

Katie: Uh, you know it's Tuesday, right?

Me: I did not.

It can also make it a little dizzying, the way that the stripes on the President's tie get all flickery and dance around a little on camera. Good thing we, unlike Congress, were allowed to remain seated throughout.

Let's continue the (literal) color commentary for a moment, shall we? Nancy Pelosi seems to have snagged the elusive olive green Snuggie to wear to the chamber tonight. I wouldn't have thought it would be so chilly. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, was wearing the very same shade of fuschia that I am wearing. I was happy to see that she went with black dress pants with hers, as opposed to my choice of blue yoga pants with a hole in the leg and which are supposed to be capris but are on me really just high-water pants. While terribly comfy, they hardly seem appropriate to a presidential address.

Holly's objection to Vice President Joe Biden is that his eyes are too small. To which I responded, "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SQUINTY". Defensive? Perhaps. Just be thankful that you can smile and appear to have eyes at the same time and leave Joe and me alone, ok?

The major disappointment of the speech came early on for me, when President Obama said "...not because I believe in big government; I dont." Wait, what? I feel deceived. If Obama isn't our socialist overlord, then when do they arrive?

The biggest applause line here at our house was "responsibility for our children's education must begin at home". YES, President Obama, it must. Or it should anyway. I also really enjoyed the line about how we must not "yield to the politics of the moment". And of course, we enjoyed the bit about job security for teachers.

We weren't the only ones who were really happy with certain sections. The cut-away shot from the line about eliminating no-bid contracts in Iraq caused me to exclaim, "The old white men liked that!" Fifteen out of fifteen old white men in this camera shot agree!

The whole war section felt a little long to us and we were forced to suggest to President Obama that he get back to talking about the economy. Our beers were getting warm. What was left of them by then anyway. He brought it back to the economy though, before the end, and we were finished drinking in time for the Republican response.

Honestly, here's all I have for you from Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindall's speech: he kept saying "Americans can do anything" and other variations on who exactly "can do anything". Every single time he said it, I heard Right, Barbie? in my head after. I don't think that was probably the Governor's intention. Looks like my brain is more likely to fire off an advertising slogan than register an inspiration sentiment. Raise your hand if you're surprised.

That concludes this year's State of the Union(ish) recap. Good night and God bless America.

First-Person Accounts

I am going to inauguration. In a little over two months, I'll be standing on the grounds of the US Capitol watching Barack Obama take the Oath of Office.

It won't be my first inauguration. I was there in 2001 when George W. Bush was first sworn in. It was my second week of work as a Program Instructor with a civic education organization. Kids came in from all over the country for a week-long program on civics, government, and history. We took them all over DC, teaching, organizing activities, facilitating debates, and generally encouraging these kids to become actively engaged citizens.

Inauguration is the granddaddy of all programs, with exponentially bigger numbers than any other week, meaning that a lot more staff is needed. They put out a call for anybody who has ever worked there to come back and work a week. Last time, in 2004, I declined. I will say that, no matter whether the president-elect is the person you voted for, an inauguration is a thing to behold and I was more than happy to stand in the sleet to watch it happen in 2001. But I didn't feel any need to see another Bush inauguration. I decided I'd go back when it was someone I really wanted to see take office.

It has looked clear for quite some time now, since the credit crisis broke, that Obama would be sworn in this January. I held off though on signing up to work because I thought I should wait and see if I got a job and if they were ok with giving me the week off. Then they called Ohio for Obama last night and I sent the email. "I'm in. Sign me up and fly me out of San Antonio."

I'd never forgive myself if I missed this, particularly if I passed due to the off chance that I might get a job that may not want to give me four days off to be gone. I am going to be a part of this and if somebody offers me a job, I will explain that I am very sorry, but they will have to do without me for four days in January. I have a previous engagement with the President-Elect.

I will also get a paid trip to DC, a student outlet for my civics geekiness, a chance to work with and visit old friends, an opportunity to meet a long-time blog friend, an excuse to wear a certain cocktail dress that doesn't get out nearly enough, and I'll earn some money all at the same time. And see history happen, right in front of me.

I'm in. Sign me up. I can't wait.

Yes We Can

Obviously, I'm happy right now. OK, deliriously happy. Shamelessly filled with joy.

But I know that not all of you are and I'm going to make every effort not to be smug or glib. I have been in your shoes. Twice, as a matter of fact, out of the last two elections. I believe that most people vote out of a deep conviction that the candidate they choose is the best choice to lead our country and will do a better job of making our nation and our lives better. It's not like your sports team losing. This is real and it affects us and if you think the worse candidate won, that's big stuff. It's discouraging and hard and for a lot of people this year, probably frightening, given all of the fear-mongering that has gone on.

But not only am I proud of Americans for voting for the man I believe will do the better job, I am proud of Americans for doing what had been said to be impossible. All elections are historic, but this time our collective history has changed in a way that it hasn't before. Now you can look in the eyes of any child and say, "You can be president. It doesn't matter what the color of your skin, or whether you grew up rich or poor, heir to a political dynasty or the son of a single mother. If you work hard, if you study hard, if you serve others, you can do this too."

Both of the candidates we had this year are role models for choosing service, military or community, over lives lived solely for personal gain. I haven't understood the cynicism associated with these two candidates. While I didn't like the tactics associated with the McCain campaign, particularly in the last few weeks, I respect the man. I believe both of these men are idealists. Maybe that makes me naive, but you won't convince me otherwise. I think McCain is a good man, but I believe that Obama is the man with the right ideas and demeanor for these times.

Of course no one man can change the course of our nation on his own. The president does not have unlimited power, but his power and influence are tremendous. History was made tonight and things are going to change, I believe for the better.

I can't express how happy I am to have the chance to see this history unfold before us, to be a part of it. I am proud of my country. I am hopeful for our future.

I had forgotten for a little while there what hope felt like. It feels good. It feels really, really good.

Civics 101: Political Ideology and You

I tend to identify myself as a liberal rather than as a Democrat. This is in part because there seems to be a widespread feeling that having a party identification is wrong because it removes the need for thought. Certainly, I don't think it's right to blindly choose a party and then vote straight ticket, whether you can articulate any reasons for your choice or not.

However, I don't necessarily think having a party identification precludes a person from evaluating candidates individually. I tend to vote Democrat because Democrats tend to be the liberals. When I hear John McCain say that Barack Obama has the most liberal voting record in the Senate, I think that's a good thing. It's a selling point for me.

Here's the thing: the terms liberal and conservative lose their meaning when they become pejorative terms for use against the guy you don't like. But they are words that should have real meaning to us. Meanings we ought to understand, don't you think?

So today, I thought we'd have a little civics class. Humor me, won't you? I got to teach civics during the last presidential election year and I'm deprived any student outlet this time.

I thought I'd just share my own definitions of what I believe to be the core values of both liberals and conservative, apart from specific issues. I will make every effort to do this in as unbiased a fashion as I can manage. I'll even put them in alphabetical order.

The conservative ideology is built on an idea of individual rights and responsibilities. Government should be small and as little as possible involved with people's lives. Taxes and spending should thus be low. The people, unfettered by intrusive government, can succeed on their own merits and hard work, helping their neighbors without being compelled to do so by the government. People can manage their own money better than government can. Conservatives believe that power ought to be more concentrated in local and state government than federal.

The liberal ideology, on the other hand, is built on the idea that we have a responsibility to pool our resources via government to ensure that everybody has their basic needs met. Government should be bigger to enable it to provide more services, thus taxes and spending should be higher. Liberals believe that we don't start out with equality of opportunity, so there needs to be some leveling of the playing field done by government, so that everyone has the opportunity to succeed. Liberals believe in power centralized more in federal government than states or localities.

I like to imagine that if we looked at each other more through this lense, we could have more respect for each other's differences. It comes down to a philosophy of how you think government ought to be run. Neither is inherently bad, but they are very different. No politician carries out a pure version of his or her ideology, but they do tend to align more with one or the other.

Sure, I think the liberal ideology is the better way to go about things. But because I understand the underlying ideas behind both, I can see that conservatives aren't evil. They like a different approach to government than I do. And when you put it that way, it can really diffuse a lot of the ugliness that exists before we even get into issues. I can't be nearly so dispassionate where certain issues are concerned, but if I start out with a basic understanding of where the other side is coming from, then I think we can have a much more productive conversation.

I fear I'm starting to repeat myself, so lecture over. Let's move on to the discussion portion of class. I promise there's no homework. Well, except to vote, which if you live in Texas, you can do starting today.

Coming soon to a cable channel near you

My friend Darin and I have been having frequent late-night political debates. The late-night thing is in part because I am naturally nocturnal and have no reason to be otherwise at the moment and partly because Darin lives in Thailand so it's not the middle of the night for him. I like debating with Darin because while we disagree on quite a few things, he keeps it respectful and fact-based (well, some of his "facts" come from Fox News) without getting emotional or rude.

Plus, he at least acts like he thinks it's funny when I make the "experience is less important than judgment" argument by saying "Strom Thurmond was in the Senate for over 250 years (Fact: He was part sea turtle. Look it up.) and I wouldn't have voted for him for, well, anything." A lot of your political debaters would tell me to stop making crap up and find some real arguments.

Anyway, we decided Tuesday night (Wednesday morning) that we should have our own Hannity and Colmes-esque show and are in the process of pitching it to CNN and MSNBC. Darin took the first crucial step in this process by making us a graphic.

Wouldn't you watch us? Or TiVo us, just in case you, unlike me, are not generally awake at 3am? I promise, on television, to be less disturbingly orange.

(Don't forget, you still have until Sunday to enter the contest for your chance at a prize that has absolutely no monetary value!)

The Patriot Act

I was moved and inspired by Barack Obama's speech Thursday night. Maybe you weren't. Maybe you disagree with his every idea and policy suggestion. That's fine. So much the better.

Seriously. I think this country is the better for having different points of view. When informed people discuss and debate ideas, I think we're acting out the vision that the founding fathers had for this nation. It's part of the idea of America that we all love.

Senator Obama's speech included an appeal to raise the quality of debate from the idea that either party has a monopoly on loving this country. If we could respect the notion that people of both parties who dedicate their lives to public service do it out of love for their country and a desire to see America and the lives of Americans improve, then we could move on to talking about the ways in which we want to do those things. You can and should disagree as loudly as you like with those approaches you think are wrong. That is when we begin to get somewhere.

Maybe you think all politicians or just politicians from the other party are jaded and cynical and only in it for the money and power. It's possible that it's true of some of them, but on the whole I don't buy it. And even if all elected officials were nothing more than selfish egomaniacs, there are legions of people working in politics whose name will never be on a ballot and who work grueling hours for practically no pay. They do it because they believe that they can make a positive change. I disagree with the way that a lot of them want to go about it, but I respect their commitment all the same.

There are those who say that half of us don't wave the flag enough. I say if we don't ever set down the flag, then we don't have any free hands to do the work of improving our nation and the lives of the people who live here. And if you think I hate America because I don't think it's perfect as is, then I don't know what to tell you. Well, that's not true. I have plenty of things I'd like to tell you, but I have a feeling you wouldn't listen anyway.

If you identify with a political party, I hope you've thought through your reasons for choosing it. I have talked to people in both parties who can clearly explain the reasoning behind their choice. I have nothing but respect for anyone who looks at both parties, learns about what each stands for, and makes an informed choice about which party better represents his or her ideology. And I enjoy few things more than a rational debate about real issues with someone knowledgeable who disagrees with me.

But if you'd rather spew vague generalities and things you read in a forwarded email, then you're going to lose both my attention and my respect.

Let's be better than that. Let's understand that while the idea of America is something universal, our experiences of the reality of America are varied. Let's not dismiss each other out of hand for wanting to do things differently. Let's talk, listen, and disagree respectfully, based on information, values, and ideology rather than a belief that the other side and all those who support it have a nefarious agenda in mind. Let's be the kind of citizens that make America something worth loving, not only in theory, but in practice.

There's my convention speech.

Why they don't let first-graders have the vote

The scene: reading camp. Six year-old student (Hereafter, Six) and seven year-old student (blah blah, Seven) are coloring pictures of words that have the long-a sound, including a frame.  Six has drawn a person inside his frame...

Six: Guess who I drew!  He has white hair.

Me: Santa Claus?

Six: NO!

Me: Uh...my grandpa?

Six: No, the president!

Me: President Washington?  He had white hair.

Six: Yes! President Washington!

Seven: He's mean!

Me: President Washington was our first president a long, long time ago.

Seven: Oh.

Me (seizing on what we in the business call a "teachable moment"): Who is the president now?

Six and Seven:

Me: President Bush.

Seven: He's the one who's mean! (There was some unintelligible explanation here, which seemed to maybe have to do with the president making kids take tests?  Possibly?  Hard to say.)

Me: We get a new president in January.  Everyone will vote in November.

Seven: I'm voting for the black guy what looks like a basketball player.

Six: I'm voting for Indiana Jones!

Sadly, I'm not sure this is so far below the thought process of many voters in this country. I mean, hopefully most people know that Indiana Jones is not only not running, but also fictitious. Hopefully.

These two kids could have a future though in producing campaign commercials:

"Sure, he looks like a basketball player, but is Barack Obama ready to lead?"

"John McCain: He's no Indiana Jones."

It doesn't really matter to me, either way. I'm voting for Batman.

Meet Paolo

Paolo is my new MacBook.

I had no intentions whatsoever, going in to this whole needing to buy a computer thing, of buying a Mac. (This despite repeated urging from the Mac faithful among my friends, of both the real life and invisible internet varieties.) I was, in fact, focusing my search on "cheap and adequate".

Then I heard that Apple offered good deals for teachers and I had a friend who needed to go to the Apple store for purposes of continued flirting with the Genius who fixed her computer. So, what the heck? Might as well ask what they'd do for me and what type of proof of teacherhood they would require.

It turned out that something written on letterhead stating that I am a teacher would be sufficient proof, which I could totally get. And the deal? Well.

$100 off the computer
$75(ish - was trying to do the math in my head while MacBoy was talking) off the 3-year warranty
Free $100 printer
Free THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR iPod Touch

Ok then. Where do I sign?

I went back the next day, after procuring said letterhead proof (I wrote something to the effect of "Lori is a teacher here" and had my boss sign it) which turned out to be unnecessary anyway. I told the guy I was a teacher and I had this proof and he said, "That's ok. You look honest." (See, I told you.)

Thus did Paolo become mine. And his as-yet-unnamed friends, Touch and printer. I was a bit concerned about carrying them into the house, in plain sight of the most-likely-felons next door, but happily our new alarm system was installed earlier that day. What perfect timing! You're safe now, Paolo. From everyone but me and my not actually knowing much about how Macs work, now that I think about it.

To all of those people who urged me to get the Mac and then celebrated, depending on the source, me coming to "the side of goodness and light" or "the dark side", I say this: I hope you anticipated all of the HOW DO I WORK THIS THING? calls, emails, Twitter direct messages, etc. that are about to be coming your way.

Everybody else: hopefully this will mean more regular posting! Please note my use of the word "hopefully". Because I seem to recall that posting requires not only one's own computer, but also doing interesting, noteworthy things, and I am sensing a lot of quality time at home with Paolo in my near future. But, as always, if I do anything stupid, you'll be the first to know.

(IF! Ha!)

Grammar Geek Wednesday: I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means Edition

I've heard and seen some bad stuff since starting my teaching program.  And I do not mean from the 11th graders I spend my mornings with.  Not because it would be too easy to make fun of the grammar of high schoolers who mostly failed English last year.  No, because it's what I've seen from the adults who are running my program that makes me even crazier.

(Although, honestly, the adults make me crazier in general.  I'm always in a good mood when I leave my practice teaching with the 11th graders at noon.  I am generally in a homicidal rage when I leave my teaching course with the adults at 3:30.  Two and a half hours of group work with people who not only cannot draw a conclusion independently but fail to even read directions makes something in my head go *pop*.)

Anyway, some things I've seen and heard this week from folks running my teaching program:

- Where your nametags.

- I hope everyone found today to be resourceful.

- Thanks for your timeliness this week.

So, the first one is pretty simple.  She meant "wear".  Although "Where your nametags?" would be similarly disconcerting.

#2: Yes, that day was full of resources, but that is not what resourceful means.  In case anyone here is similarly confused, resourceful is an adjective for someone who can find information, tools, and creative ways of solving problems.

And in the case of our third sentence, the word they actually wanted was not timeliness but punctuality.  They appreciated us showing up on time, not at an opportune time.

And finally, this doesn't come from my program, but I did read something this week lamenting the death of the semicolon.  I can't say I'm overly torn up about it.  Back in the day, the semicolon started out as a glorified comma, eventually becoming a way to stick two entire sentences together.  I've never fully understood the point.  This could be because my sentences are so long to begin with that combining two of them seems downright irresponsible.  Although it is a bit sad to see something with such a long and distinguished linguistic history relegated to being primarily used as the eyes in a sideways winky face.

As always, I welcome your own contributions to the grammar pet peeve bank that is this blog.  Ready, set, geek!

Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes in Primaries

That title is shamelessly stolen from The Onion.  The article was hanging on the door of our office back when I was a professional democracy geek.

These days I am back to amateur geek status, but today I did, in fact, vote in the primary.  Where I discovered that I am apparently the oldest person living in my ward.  When I was registering, I was the only one at the table who was able to use my driver's license.  Everyone else had to use a utility bill because their license had their parents' address back home on it. 

Making me realize that I voted for Bill Clinton while these kids were in KINDERGARTEN.  That is how old I am.

And who told young people to participate in the political process anyway? 

Ha!  It was me!  I wouldn't have done it if I had known that so many of them would show up for a primary that I'd have to wait long enough to miss my nightly date with Brian Williams.

If it had come up in the course of my civic educating days, I would have told my students that the likely benefit to standing on a street corner with a campaign sign in below zero wind chill does not outweigh the risk of frostbite.  Youth of America, do you really think this is an effective means of persuasion?  Have I taught you nothing?  People uninformed enough to make a decision based on some posterboard you painted yourself don't go vote in a primary and certainly not when it is, by my own observation, approximately eighty-seven degrees below zero outside.

I'll give you that lesson in electoral politics completely free of charge.  In exchange, come November, could you vote during the day while us grown ups are at work?  I may be old, but I remember college - you have the daytime hours.  Put down the sign and go vote.  Prior to 5:00 p.m.

You can make a difference, college students!  The difference between whether I get my Brian Williams fix or not on Election Day.  Will you answer the call?

Thank goodness the writer's strike is over so this award show can proceed.

I forgot, when I decided to have a contest in which I would be the sole judge, that I am very indecisive.  In fact, one of my six-word memoirs that I deleted was "Indecisiveness as a way of life."

And you people didn't make it easy on me either, did you?  You with your witty and evocative memoirs.  If all but one of you could have written bad ones, it really would have helped me out.

In order to just eliminate some choices, I first decided that members of my immediate family were ineligible to win.  But I will say that I greatly enjoyed my sister's "Still uses time and materials unwisely."  See, at our elementary school, you got a grade in that.  And I got, if not straight D's all the way through, then pretty close to it.  Thank goodness there is no longer anyone grading me in that particular subject.  (In my defense, while I also tended to get D's in responsibility, I always got A's in citizenship.  I was spacy, but nice.  Hi, I have AD/HD inattentive.  I can't remember your name, but I like your shoes.)

Then I discovered that it was difficult to choose between those of you I know in real life and those of you I don't know.  Because if we are friends, then I know how well your particular memoir sums you up, which makes me like it even more.  But this is an unfair disadvantage for all of you internet strangers out there.

Thus, instead of one winner, we would have two.

I really liked Holly Rose's memoir "Eighth graders think I'm funny".  In case you've never spent time around eighth graders, you should know that this says a lot about a person.  Unfortunately, this memoir is not so much six words long as it is five.  (Fret not, public, Holly teaches social studies, not math.)  I must disqualify six-word memoirs that do not involve six words.

Making it even easier to choose, as our winner for Person Lori Knows in Real Life, Sharon.  I loved so many of Sharon's entries that it was hard to choose one, but in the end I went with "Who cared about the prom, anyway?"  Those six words tell us a lot, I think.

And now, on to the people I don't know.  You made it terribly difficult to choose, Invisible Internet People.    Not only are you huge grammar geeks, it turns out, but you can also turn a phrase.  In the end though, there can only be one winner.  Or can there?  Because I was torn between two and then you, Internet, started voicing your opinion too.

So instead of two winners, we will have three.  Because it's my contest and I said so.

First, we have Andrew with "Got divorced. Became emotional wrecking ball."  Because I think that's some pretty powerful imagery.

And second, we have Jennifer (winner and fan favorite) with "Made my bed; lying in it."  Yep, that about sums it up.

So congratulations to Sharon, Andrew, and Jennifer!  And thanks to everyone else for playing! 

Oh, and you can enter your memoirs at SMITH Magazine for possible inclusion in their next book.  Which is only slightly more prestigious than winning an award here at Superfantastic and may be read by a few (hundred thousand) more people.  Good luck!

The Joy of Six

Literary legend has it that Earnest Hemingway was once challenged to write an entire story in six words.  He came back with "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."  According to the legend, he said it was his best work.

Based on that, the folks at SMITH Magazine invited readers to submit six-word memoirs.  The result is a fascinating book called Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure.

Alan told me about it last week and suggested that it could make an interesting post.  I thought it would be a fun challenge since in general, I can't even order coffee in less than six words.  I thought I'd give it a whirl and then ask you to leave us your own six-word memoirs in the comments.

But then I thought, even better than that, I could make it a CONTEST.  With a PRIZE!  Pretty exciting, right?

So how it will work, I think, is this: you have until the end of the day on Friday (Feb. 15) to leave us your six word memoir in the comments.  Enter as many as you want.  They need to be original - no giving us six words straight from a quote or song, no matter how well they sum up your life.  And if you give me a fake email address, then you can't win.

The winner will be chosen by me (Superfantastic is no democracy - more of a benevolent dictatorship) and I'll post about it on Monday.  Unless I haven't decided who the winner is yet and then I'll post it later.  And then the winner will receive his or her fabulous prize in the mail at some point after that when I get around to going to the post office.

You can get some ideas at sixwordmemoirs.com.  To further assist you, I wrote a whole bunch of my own six-word memoirs and then deleted all but this one:

Took road less traveled.  Skinned knees.

If I come up with anything else I like, I'll post it in the comments.  But you can't think about that now.  You've got to start writing your own six-word memoirs to post!  So you can win a FABULOUS PRIZE!  Get to work!

The State of the Union is: Troops!

I really ought to have tallied use of the word troops, rather than what I chose, nuke-u-lur (a disappointing two).  Troops are one thing everyone can agree on.  It was almost Pavlovian.  Hear "troops", stand, applaud, be seated.

Additional subjects of agreement were:

Troops in Afghanistan are extra great!

Bringing troops home from Iraq is so super awesome that applause cannot properly convey our approval!  Give us a minute to construct a human pyramid, if you will.

AIDS is bad!

We are very pro-veteran!

We're not sure what you mean by "buying and selling" but we applaud anyway since you ended with "cloning of human life".  No cloning people!  Also, no buying or selling of them, but we thought this issue had been resolved roughly 150 years ago.

Bi-partisanship rocks!

Defeat Al Qaeda?  Heck yes, let's do that!

What, there's genocide in The Sudan?  Well, shucks, we think that's bad!

And then they pretty much disagreed on everything else.  This was signaled by Democrats remaining seated while Republicans stood to applaud.  This sometimes resembled the wave that you see in stadiums, except involving fewer fat men with letters painted on their bare bellies.  Sometimes though, rather than an organized wave-like motion, the members of Congress popped up randomly all over like some sort of carnival game called Whack an Old White Guy.  Where is a giant mallet when you need one?

You may be unsurprised to learn that I also disagreed with the President on several topics.  Such as when President Bush said that government-funded health care was not the answer.  No, the answer, he said, is to expand consumer choice.  Causing me to write in my notes* "give them the option to pay with Visa OR Mastercard".  I don't know, in hindsight, maybe something to do with an arm OR a leg would have been more pertinent, but what can you do?  The notes are already written.  These are the jokes.

President Bush followed this up with the justification that decisions about your health care should be made in your doctor's office, not in the halls of Congress.  Causing me to shout at the television, "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE."

There was that bit about how we should have an international treaty on global warming, which it seemed like there already was and he vetoed it, but when you don't finish your State of the Union post until over 24 hours later, Jon Stewart is going to beat you to these kinds of observations.

*Yes, I sat down with my laptop to watch the speech and take notes for you, as has become my geeky habit.  This year also included four ibuprofen for the Mother of All Headaches and hot cake for, you know, whatever.

In the interest of bi-partisanship, I'll tell you that my notes also indicate that Nancy Pelosi should have spit that lemon out before the speech started.

Well, kids, it's our last State of the Union featuring the oratorical stylings of the current President Bush.  In case you're feeling a little blue about that, I think I know just how to cheer you up.

Troops!

Why I Write

Vicki sent me a link last week to Why We Write, a blog with posts on that theme, mostly written by striking TV writers.  It's terribly interesting and I highly recommend it, both for writers and the people who attempt to understand them.

The essay I most closely relate to is this one by Damon Lindelof, Co-Creator and Executive Producer of "Lost".  (Although Number 20 would have to be a close second, starting as it does with the sentence "I write because I sucked at gym.")  In it, he tells a story and then tells you about how he made all of it up with the slightest provocation, mostly because he can't not make stuff up.  He puts it this way:

I write because my imagination compels me to do so.

I write because if I didn't, I'd be branded a pathological liar.

YES.  Thank you, Damon Lindelof, for explaining me to me. 

I have tried before to explain it to people as a compulsion.  I can't not write.  Even when I'm not putting words on paper (or more likely, in a computer) I am always making stuff up.  I mentally write new scenes for characters from books, movies, and TV.  I invent stories for the people I see around me.  I can still picture this woman I saw crying in the Metro once in DC.  I had framed a novel around her by the time I got home.  I can't help myself.

When I am not making stuff up, I tend to be narrating my own life in my head.  Maybe this is normal (is it?) but I think what sets me apart from your average person here is the amount of effort I put into editing this narration to get the wording just right.  Basically, I am constantly working at writing the stories that I could tell people about my day if they weren't so utterly forgettable, even to me, no matter how impeccably-worded.  No wonder I can't remember where I parked or what the third thing was that I needed from Target.  My brain is busy.

Not that all of this mental writing gets me to far in terms of actual written output.  I promise you, I have forgotten far better stuff than I have ever posted here.  Including all of the good parts of this post, which I composed while lying in bed last night.  Sometimes though, the words will not be denied.  I have gotten up out of bed to write, written things on napkins and Post-Its and even in desperate times, the back of my left hand.  I have lived with the same phrase knocking around in my head interminably until I managed to write something using it, just to make it go away.

I don't write because it's fun.  Sometimes it can be, but on the whole, not so much.  In fact, if you read Why We Write, you'll see a lot of writers going with the old "I hate writing, but love having written" thing.  It's true.  Already I am frustrated with this post and having chosen to go this route rather than take this topic in any of the infinite number of other possible directions.  And I definitely don't write because I imagine that the world needs my words.

No, I guess you could say that I write because I have no choice about it.  It's a part of who I am.  I can't not be a writer any more than I can not be shy or not have brown eyes.  I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't writing something.

I love words like I love chocolate.  I love arranging them and creating from them and I swear, there is a small high that comes from finding just the right word to say exactly what you mean or evoke just the right image. 

I love stories.  Reading them, hearing them, watching them.  And when you write stories, well that is the only chance you get in life to make everything turn out exactly the way you want.

Add all of that together with the opportunity it affords me to receive affirmation without anyone actually looking at me and the fact that I type so quickly that heck, I might as well put it to use, and there you have it: why I write.

But mostly it's that pathological liar thing.  At least as far as you know.

LEAVE HILLARY ALONE!

Ok, Britney reference aside, obviously I don't mean leave her alone.  She's running for president.  May scrutiny abound.

Let me also say up front that this is not intended as an endorsement.  Our primary is a little over a month away and I have yet to make up my mind.

But can we please stop saying that she's "acting like a man"?  Clearly, I don't know Hillary Clinton.  But as a fellow emotionally repressed Midwestern WASP, I would be willing to bet my next paycheck that she's not acting like anything.  Like her or not, this is who she is.

Beside which, what does that even mean in this context, acting like a man?  Having strong opinions on subjects aside from education?  Not crumbling under pressure?  Standing up for herself and her opinions?  Not operating from raw emotion?  Lack of public tears?

If all of that constitutes acting like a man, then that would make me one manly girl.  Because let me tell you, I spend roughly 99% of my life not crying.  I am not saying here that this makes me stronger or better than anyone else, just that tears are not my natural response to most things.  I didn't even cry while watching The Notebook.  I KNOW.  But I'm not acting like a man.  This is me.  I'm much more a thinker than a feeler.  Yet still a woman.

That's not to say at all that I don't have feelings.  Sometimes this even becomes apparent when I am around people.  Particularly if I am tired and frustrated.  If I feel strongly about something and don't feel like people are hearing or understanding me, but whatever it is is so important to me that I NEED them to just get it already.  In a situation like that, I'm still not likely to out and out cry in front of people, but I might tear up.  You might hear it in my voice.  And it would probably go away as quickly as it came.

If you have watched any TV lately, I'm sure you know what I'm getting at.  We have all seen the tape and I have heard it debated whether this was genuine or staged.  Trying to "act more like a woman", they say.  I doubt it.  Sure, I think she has intentionally tried to act more approachable since she tends to come off sort of prickly and WONKy and these efforts have come off contrived and ineffective.  To borrow from the West Wing for a moment, Hillary Clinton is not folks.  Probably you don't want to grab a beer with her.  If, for some reason, this is what you're looking for in a president, then Hillary is not the candidate for you and she ought to stop trying to pretend that she is.

But if she's as much like me in this regard as I think she is, she doesn't cry to get what she wants.  She wants to win because she's smarter and better and RIGHT, not because she cried.  People like us have not developed the ability to cry on cue because we cannot imagine the situation in which we would be willing to use it.  So no, I don't think this is her attempt to act like a woman.  Because she wouldn't think that using tears to manipulate people is the way a woman worthy of her respect would act.

Of course personality and character and all of that are part of presidential campaigns.  You're free to think she's cold and unfeeling or whatever.  But let's stop framing it in terms of gender.

And now you may commence yelling at me, but if you could please refrain from throwing tomatoes, I'd appreciate it.  I've just cleaned the floors.

Grammar Geek Wednesday: Keep your shirt on, Charlize Edition

As I said last week, it's getting difficult to think of things that you all haven't already covered for me.  Two of the things on my current list were use of the word "heighth" as pointed out by OCDMuch and "I could care less" as covered by Horrible Warning.

Height.  HEIGHT.  There's no h at the end.  Yes, width, depth, height.  English is screwy, granted, but it still deserves our respect.  Sort of like Willie Nelson or Canada.

And when people say "I could care less" what they actually mean is the exact opposite.  If I said I could care less about baseball, I would be lying.  I don't care at all about baseball and therefore could not possibly care any less. 

The one thing left on my list is yet another instance of people unknowingly saying the opposite of what they mean and it drives me insane.  Have you heard people say "I'll miss not seeing you"?  If they knew what they were saying, then this was not a compliment.  What this actually means is "I'll look back fondly on those times of not having to be around you."  Like when a co-worker you can't stand comes back to work from vacation and you miss not seeing them.  Wasn't it great when Annoying Co-worker wasn't here? you think to yourself, I miss that.

This last thing has nothing to do with grammar, but does fit into the category of things that bug me.  I was listening to my holiday playlist the other day on my iPod and came across the lyric "A child, a child shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold."  Really?  If a child is shivering in the cold, wouldn't a better gift perhaps be, I don't know, A BLANKET?  As Charlize Theron points out in her nonsensical J'Adore Dior commercial, gold is cold.  Also that diamonds are dead, and while I hear the alliteration, I do think that proclaiming diamonds dead is a mite hasty.  Charlize sure seems mad about being dressed in that commercial.  Why so angry, Charlize?  You know, you could wear that perfume with your clothes and jewelry.  I suppose that the sight of Charlize stripping is supposed to make men run out and buy J'Adore for their wives and girlfriends due to some mental association they have formed between it and naked Charlize Theron.  I, for one, miss not seeing that commercial.

Grammar Geek Wednesday: Snow Advisory Edition

Ok, the snow advisory has nothing to do with the grammar.  But it has everything to do with my white-knuckled drive home from work last night.  I am not good at this anymore.   At least I have my Texas plates right now to make it look as if I have an excuse for driving like a grandma, but they expire at the end of the month, so I'll just have to re-learn winter driving by then.  It looks like I'll be getting even more practice on Thursday.  Stupid snow.  HATE.

So much so, in fact, that when I got in my car after work yesterday and Harry Connick, Jr. was singing Let it Snow, I thought three words that I never would have believed would cross my mind: SHUT IT, HARRY.

Bad impulse: Not buying the $40 snow boots I saw at the mall on Sunday because I had seen some for $20 at Target.  Yeah, every other woman in Madison saw them too and bought them before I made it there on Monday.  All they had left were two size nines, which is a half size too small.

Good impulse: Going back into my apartment this morning after clearing off my car to get dry jeans, socks, and shoes to change into when I got to work.  I can't tell you how pleased I am with that decision since my jeans were wet to the knee, my boots soaked through, and my socks both wet and cold.

But on to grammar.  Today, let's talk about words that incorrect people are commonly substituting for the words they should actually be using.  Fun!

Should have, people, should HAVE.  Not should of.  Or would of or could of.  It's have in every one.

Similarly, it's all of a sudden, not all the sudden. 

Also, you toe the line, you don't tow it.  The expression implies stepping up to a line, not hauling it anywhere.

And finally, let's look at a holiday example.  Ooh, seasonal!  You're to deck the halls with boughs of holly, not balls of it.  A bough is a branch.  Makes sense, right?  (Both of my former roommates would want me to point out here that Holly is the prettiest sight you'll see.)

I know I can safely ask for even more comments on this and not be disappointed.  Lord, but you people are geeks.  I love it!

Grammar Geek Wednesdays: Secondly

This is a comment that my friend and former roommate Vicki left on my last Grammar Geek Wednesday post:

In hopeful anticipation of tomorrow's edition of Grammar Geek Wednesdays, I have these offerings:

1. A new interpretation of I's: For some reason, my dad has decided that I's is a contraction of I was. He frequently says "I's talking to your Mom..."

2. Speed vs. Quickness: Have football commentators always been obsessed with "his speed and quickness" or have I just noticed this? During the next game I watch, I'm going to count how many times the commentators talk about players' "speed and quickness." Really, what's the difference?

3. Less vs. Fewer: No, Mr. Football Commentator, that player didn't actually have "less touchdowns" this season than last season, he had "fewer touchdowns." Enough said.

4. Apostrophes: One of my co-workers has decided that apostrophes are optional. Her favorite words to use in e-mail are Ill, Im, Id, and dont.

Yikes.  First of all, that co-worker should be fired immediately.  Do you want me to call her boss? 

Second, I would say that football commentators are some of our nation's foremost grammar violators, apparently just after both of our dads.  It's hard to tell anymore to what extent my dad's problems with grammar are real and to what extent he does it on purpose to irritate my mother.  See, I get my grammar geekiness from my mom.  And my obnoxiousness from my dad.

Seeing as how I started up there with a first of all, I'd like to address the word firstly.  No.  Just no.  You can say first, secondly, thirdly or just go with first, second, third.   But please, I beg of you, no firstly.

Similarly, we have the words irregardless and orientated.  I saw Jon Stewart say irregardless one night and he immediately lost sexy points with me (I'm sure he regained them almost as quickly, but that is neither here nor there).  See, regardless already means without regard, thanks to that -less at the end.  There's no need to add ir-.  And you get oriented, not orientated.  I know, there's orientation, but that still doesn't mean that you get orientated there.  I saw an interview once with Mrs. Fields (of cookie fame) who said that what had motivated her to make something of herself was when she told someone she was getting orientated and he corrected her rather rudely.  Now, there is no excuse for bad manners, but you do see here how a grammar geek made the world a more cookieful place, don't you?  Because had Mrs. Fields not been spurred on to start her cookie empire, we would have fewer cookies and thus, less joy.

Finally, here's something that had never occurred to me as a problem, but really bothered a friend and former boss of mine.  We used to take students to the monuments and memorials in DC and we instructors would talk a lot about the quotes on the walls.  This irritated Francine because, as she would tell us, quote is a verb.  The words on the walls are quotations.  I find this very insightful, mainly because I still use Francine as a reference when applying for jobs.  (Hi, Francine!  Please continue to say nice things about me to prospective employers!)

And now, my grammarian friends, what have you got for us this week?  (If it's overuse of parenthetical remarks or sentences that, while not technically run-ons, are chock full of commas and so insanely long that by the end you can't even remember how they started, well then maybe you should make sure not to read yesterday's post.)

Grammar Geek Wednesdays: First-However-Often-I Feel-Like-Doing-This Edition

Look at that, a new feature!  Because I seem to have somehow attracted a big grammar geek following and if we can all agree that grammar is something to get outraged over, then by all means, we should discuss it more often.  As often as I can think of new things to write about anyway.

Item One: A sign I saw this weekend for a Re-Grand Opening.  No, Copps, you are not having a Re-Grand Opening, you are having a Grand Re-Opening.  Even learning disabled elementary schoolers generally understand that the re- beginning means again.  You, Copps, are opening again, not granding again.

Item Two: It's and who's.  These are contractions, folks, short for it is and who is.  If you are referring to something that belongs to it or who, the words are its and whose.  I know, it's confusing, seeing as how we usually use an apostrophe to show possession.  But just like yours, his, hers, ours, and theirs, its and whose have no apostrophes.  Now you know, and knowing's half the battle.

Item Three: If I wanted to tell you about where I lived in Austin, I could talk about Amy and I's house. This is, after all, what a lot of people would do.  But I would never do that.  It was Amy's and my house.  There is no possessive pronoun I's.  You can use this if you want to know how many i's are in a word, but that's it.  (Note: If the side that is for it wins, then the ayes have it, not the I's.)

Item Four: Literally.  It has been said before, but it cannot be said often enough.  Literally means in actuality.  If you literally died of laughing, YOU WOULD BE DEAD.

That will probably about do it for tonight.  I am literally falling asleep typing this.  No, really.

In which I am good and pissed off.

I don't write much about politics here.  (Except this post, which is the one post of mine that I wish everyone would read because it's the one single post that I am entirely happy with.  No really, it's way better than the rest of this blathering.)  Mostly I try not to upset people and since I have pretty strong opinions and I understand that a lot of you probably do as well and they might not totally align with mine, it seems best to keep these things to myself and stick to embarrassing stories of my own stupidity.

But I need to talk about health care for a minute.  Stop reading if you want.

President Bush has vetoed a bill that would extend health care coverage to children of families that are currently making too much to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to buy decent health coverage.  His argument is that if we start giving health coverage to poor kids, everyone will want some.  That this is a slippery slope toward government-run health care.

I am very nearly rendered speechless by this.  I don't quite know where to begin.  It absolutely blows my mind.  The only thing that helps me begin to be able to wrap my mind around this is the knowledge that President Bush, as well as the members of Congress from both sides of the aisle who voted against the bill, have clearly never had to worry about paying for their health care.

I don't know if you have ever been without insurance or had really shitty insurance with a deductible so high and coverage so spotty that it only really helps you in the case of a catastrophic illness.  I hope not.  But I have and I cannot imagine what it is like to live like this when you have a family.  Because when I get sick, I make very effort to walk it off.  I can't afford for it to be something that requires a doctor visit, and with one notable exception, I've been able to get away with that.  But if your kid has strep throat?  Breaks a leg?  God forbid, something much more serious?  What do you do?

I had to go to an urgent care center after I moved here.  I was, at the time, working a full-time job, but I worked for a very small business that couldn't afford to provide me with health insurance and I sure as hell could not afford to buy it for myself.  Any policy I could have gotten would have had too high of a deductible to actually be helpful anyway.  This urgent care visit cost me $350, plus prescriptions.

Now imagine that you have a kid like I was who has persistent ear infections and you're being charged over $350 a pop.  But you think that parent is getting off cheap if you're the parent of a child with developmental delays who needs physical, occupational, and speech therapy plus pediatrician and specialists.  Something's got to give - is it your mortgage?  Food?  Heat?  Or your child's care?

Shame on you, President Bush.  Shame on anyone who won't vote to override the veto.  What a disgrace.

Harry Potter and the Glorious Geekend

So, how was your weekend?  Pretty geeky over here.  By which I mean, awesome.

On Friday night, I saw the newest Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Red-Haired Twins Who Are Now Old Enough to Not Make Me Feel Like a Dirty Old Woman.  Was that not the title on the poster?  Anyway, it was quite enjoyable and, since I never get around to rereading the books before I see the movies and have completely forgotten what happened, still suspenseful for me.  Two thumbs up.

On Saturday, the newest book came out.  Yes, I could have pre-ordered it online and it would have come directly to me, but then I would have had no excuse to go to Target on Saturday.  And I had only previously been there twice last week, so clearly I needed stuff.  By the time that I got home, unpacked my purchases, ate some lunch, and talked to my sister, I didn't get started on the book until sometime around 3:30 or 4:00.  Then I finished the book at 2:15 a.m. and went to bed.

Yep, 759 pages in roughly 10 1/2 hours.  First, let's all remember that while long, it is still a children's book.  And I did nothing else during that time.  I fired up iTunes, sat on the couch (which, while many things, portable, cheap, sage green, is not what you might call cushy or comfortable) and read.  I even ate dinner while reading.  And I use the word "dinner" here in the loosest possible sense, as evidenced by the trace amounts of peanutbutter and blackberry jam visible on pages 322-327.

Today though (Sunday) I have no Harry Potter-related plans.  I mean, I did dream about Harry Potter this morning, but that happens anytime I read fiction before bed.  My writer's brain continues the story, even if I have finished the book.  This normally tends to lead to a pretty bad night's sleep since I wind up having lots of short book-related dreams that I then wake up from over and over.  It wasn't too bad this time, but I still won't make a habit of this kind of thing.  (Although I am getting this book tomorrow, so I will most likely already make an exception this week.)

I've been redeeming my coolness so far today by watching some good Discovery Channel and National Geographic.  What?  All of the cool kids watch educational TV.  Everyone I consider cool anyway.  Do you think my view of cool is slightly skewed?  I slept in past Meet the Press this morning, but not to worry, I can catch it later tonight.  And I have The War Room from Netflix.  Tim Russert, Bill Clinton, and James Carville all in one day!  Wait, is that geekier than two days of Harry Potter?  It's not like I'm writing some sort of Harry Potter meets James Carville fan fiction or something.  (Harry Potter and the Cajun Goblin, I think that would be called.  I think this because of a certain resemblance I see between James Carville and the Green Goblin.  Not that I've put much thought into that or anything.)

I've also got to clean my apartment at some point today since my mom is coming tomorrow.  I phrase it that way not because my dad is not coming with her, but because the cleaning is in no way necessitated by him being here.  There would have to be a serious level of squalor before he would notice.  But first, I think I'll take the other gigantic hardcover book in my possession and head to the park for a while.

You shouldn't feel bad if your weekend can't compete with mine for sheer awesomeness.  I think we can all agree that I set the bar pretty high with this one.

The Sorry State of the State of the Union

The State of the State of the Union is: BOR-RING!

Everyone at NBC agreed after the speech that it was by far the most "somber" and "subdued" of the President's State of the Union addresses.  They speculated that this was due to the newly divided nature of the government and also to the mindblowingly horrific disaster that is the war in Iraq.

This really interfered with my plan for a recap post similar to last year's.  It is difficult to poke fun at somber and subdued.

But I am soldiering on.  This year, rather than a recap, I present these random and assorted observations:

What a welcome change it was to see a woman in the Speaker's chair!  The President even pointed out what a momentous occasion it was, which I thought was classy of him.  Then as the speech wore on, I thought that Nancy Pelosi was incredibly blinky until I realized that it only appeared so because she was sitting next to Dick Cheney.  He never blinks.  Seriously, watch him sometime.  It's spooky.

The new Speaker hopped up quite often to applaud, right up until the President charged the Senate with filling openings on the federal bench by giving every one of his nominees an up or down vote.  Then she remained seated and her face registered a definite "uh huh - riiiiiight".  She (unlike a certain Senator from New York) stopped short of actually sneering.

You can refer to last year's post for the specifics of the education section of the speech.  Seriously, it was exactly the same thing.

Quite honestly, the extent to which I can stand to listen to the President didn't really allow me to gather all of the particulars on his health care proposal.  But it seemed like he wanted to tax employers who provide health insurance in order to provide a tax break to people who buy their own health insurance.  Doesn't this seem likely to end up with all of us having to buy our own health insurance once employers stop buying it for us in order to avoid paying more taxes?  Maybe I'm missing something here.  Such as the logic.

It was convenient how Senators Clinton and Obama were seated one behind the other so they could get them into one shot for all of the important reactions.  Then we'd see Senator McCain, who is looking scarily pasty these days.  Almost like he has been hanging with Cheney in the undisclosed location, where for obvious reasons, no sunlight is permitted in.  Or crosses or garlic.

Did you see the shot of Condoleeza Rice giving the camera a look of what can only be described as pure unadulterated hate?  Yikes.  Then again, maybe it wasn't the camera she was looking at.  Perhaps that gaze was directed just over the President's left shoulder.  Look out, Madam Speaker.  I have a feeling that it's ON.

And did you hear that gigantic whoosh around 8:30?  That would be the entire world sucking in its collective breath upon the President's mention of Iran.  But he also mentioned balancing the budget without raising taxes, so clearly he couldn't possibly want to expand our military efforts.  Right?

The "giddy as a schoolgirl" award goes to Senator Grassley of Iowa upon the President's commitment to increase usage of ethanol.  Gimme a C, gimme an O, gimme an R, gimme an N!  What does that spell?  RE-ELECTION!

Then we got to the honored guests in the gallery.  The President introduced Dikembe Mutombo, followed by the founder of Baby Einstein.  Which was decent of him, particularly since she had clearly missed the entirety of the speech, seated as she was behind Dikembe Mutombo.

The speech was followed as always by the opposite party's response.  For the second year in a row, it was given by a Virginia politician.  (Virginia is for lovers Democratic responders!)  This year, brand new Senator Jim Webb.  He stressed his family's military service, including that of his son, currently serving in Iraq.  Then he proceeded to say of the war in Iraq, in no uncertain terms, I TOLD YOU SO AND EVERYBODY ELSE ALSO TOLD YOU SO.  It was a thing to behold.

In conclusion, the State of the Union (aside from Iowa) would appear to be: cranky.  Or is it just me?

I'll have a blue 110th Congress without you

Did anyone else see Tim Russert pull out the white board last night?  And was anyone else shamelessly filled with joy at the time?  You know, I actually saw the actual white board that he used in his coverage of the 2000 election.  It's true!  They had it at the Newseum and part of my job at the time was to take middle schoolers there and my co-workers and I thought that was pretty much the coolest thing ever.  (I believe I have mentioned that this particular workplace was a bizarro world where the geekier you were, politics-wise, the cooler you were.  And if reading this makes you think that I must have been the coolest person there, then you would be sorely mistaken.)  These were the same people with whom I watched the 2000 election returns in a bar at a hotel in Williamsburg until the wee small hours of the morning.  And then with whom, the next day, I attempted to find a TV in Colonial Williamsburg during the students' free time to find out what in heck was going on.  Good times.  (No, seriously, we had a blast, right up until the actual results became clear, days later.  It was democracy in action!  What could possibly be geekier cooler than that?)

Anyway, last night was exciting, wasn't it?  While it is certainly far less fun to watch returns alone than with a big group of civics nerds, at least there was good news this year.  And Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert!  And Rick Santorum losing his seat which possibly made me clap my hands a little.  (Watching alone is, however, vastly more enjoyable than watching at a party full of Republicans where NO ONE WILL TALK TO YOU.)

Of course, here in Texas, we are stuck with Governor Goodhair for another four years, but anyone who didn't see that coming was probably a little delusional.  Perhaps without Kinky and One Tough Grandma in the race, there may have been a chance of unseating him, but in general nothing good can come of a race where two of the candidates can be referred to as Kinky and Grandma.

And now, for all the marbles, Montana and Virginia!  I bet Montana has never felt so powerful!  Enjoy it while it lasts, Montana!  Now get back to counting!  After all, it's 400,000 votes - how long can that possibly take?  Perhaps Tim Russert would lend you his white board so you can make a tally.  And Virginia, sigh, we'll wait.  But there's no turkey for you until you get this sorted out, DO YOU HEAR ME?

Ah, Election Day.  Only 729 shopping days until the next one.  I know what's on my list!

Edited to add: Well done, Montana!  I applaud your speedy counting.  And holy crap, Rumsfeld resigned!  Watch out for flying pigs, everyone!

So

Did you vote yet?

My OCD required that I round out the week of daily posts. Sorry.

After reading this I had a strong craving for a McDonald’s cheeseburger, but then I read this.  Hoo boy, no thank you!

I was reading my Newsweek last night and there was a mention of Estes Kefauver.  I recognized the name, but had no idea why.  So today I googled him (why it did not occur to me to just go straight to Wikipedia, I cannot say) and am still not entirely sure why I know the name.  Sure, I took A LOT of classes that would lend themselves to mention of such a person (American Government & Politics, Legislative Politics, Executive Legislative Relations, the list goes ON AND ON) but specifically, I am not sure.  But it’s a memorable name, right?  Maybe if I had a name like Estes Kefauver, people would have a better chance of remembering me.  Because I am not terribly memorable.  No, it’s true.  People will introduce themselves to me repeatedly.  While I most likely do not remember their names, I do recall having met them.  Probably my wallflower tendencies are mostly to blame, or the fact that I am apparently rather nondescript.  Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Estes Kefauver ran for Senate against E.H. Crump, which is another really excellent name.  I would gladly pay an inadvisable amount of money for campaign swag featuring the names Kefauver and Crump.

Yet another word that I love?  Scurvy.  It is equally enjoyable said in a piratey voice or not.

And finally, want to know what one thing you could do that would be least likely of all things in the world to make me smile?  Tell me to smile.  Why do people do this?  Why?  Even if we haven’t personally met, I bet you suspect that I am not the most effusive person out there.  I am apparently “hard to read”.  So just because I am not actively smiling, this does not mean that I am sad/angry/upset.  I was just walking down the hall at work one day and someone passing by said to me “it’s not all that bad”.  So if I’m not grinning like an idiot while on my way to check the supply cabinet, it should be assumed that I think life is somehow not worth living?  As much as I love Steel Magnolias for its sheer I feel like crying for no particular reason, so please Sally Field give me an excuse goodness (“I’m fine, I’m fine!  I could run to Texas and back, but my daughter can’t!  She never coooooould!”) the part where Dolly Parton says “Smile!  It increases your face value!” makes me angry.  If you said that to me, I would probably punch you.  Don’t test me, Internet.

You say you want a revolution?

I was just looking at a job posting online (not while at work, OBVIOUSLY.)  It started with the job title and then said, “hereafter referred to as WORKER.”  How very proletariat.  This is the job posting of the people! 

Do you think, if I got that job, I could have that put on my business cards?  Lori Graham, Worker. 

Clearly that would be in stark contrast to what I do here.  Cruising job sites and writing pointless blog entries is SO bourgeois.

Related anecdote: I worked for a civic education non-profit in DC whose name rhymes with Klose Up, where our mission was to motivate our nation’s youth to become active citizens.  We were supposed to be multi-partisan, which is a word they made up, meaning that we covered all possible political bents, not just the big two.  And yet, when a colleague of mine had a sign on his cube that said Dave, Worker, they made him take it down because it was too political.  Too political!  First of all, that’s pretty hypocritical, right?  And second, take a joke people!  We were particularly angsty at the time anyway since they had just taken away our offices and stuck us in cubes.  The signs were made by a sympathetic coworker.  Mine said Lori, Cheesehead.  I was allowed (by The Man) to keep it.

(Also, look how prolific I am!  Three posts this week and it's only Wednesday!  This 50,000 words next month will be a piece of cake!  Especially if I write my novel like this post which probably would have been better left to just the top part and yet I just HAD to add a story because I could not possibly write a post in under 100 words.  That would be bordering on terse!  I may be many things, but efficient is not one of them.)

Found poetry, whitehouse.gov

These words and phrases appear just exactly as I will type them, just with other words around them to make them say different things.  So without further ado, I present your streamlined administration news:

How George proposed to Laura.  Awwww…

  said,

commitment

       we

That was a free nice one.  In preparation for this:

Bush

way,

     got

oil to keep

Lori!  That was mean!  Hey, they posted this stuff on their own website:

   They’re

my Cabinet

(Laughter)

Why would I piece together poetry critical of someone who would (sort of) say this:

women and

democracy

for distribution

Maybe those signs go up wherever this happened:

Two weeks

      in that country

oppressed its people

Perhaps because it was populated by these terrifying creatures:

  purple

people have

         shape

and anger

Reassuringly, some things stay the same:

American

   Hilton

free

     of change

The First Amendment...and YOU

I recently read about a study which showed that most Americans can name more Simpsons family members than rights afforded them by the First Amendment.  Unfortunate, but not surprising.  A good percentage of those people named the right against self-incrimination as a First Amendment right, which makes me wonder why they think people refer to it as "taking the fifth."  Do they think it's the fifth right in the First Amendment?  But what really appalled me was the fact that more than one person thought the right to pet ownership was included in the First Amendment.  I'm sure your dog, cat, or alternative pet is delightful, but the founding fathers did not see fit to protect your right to possess him/her/it.  Just so we're all on the same page, allow me to clarify just which rights we are in reality dealing with:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, nor prohibiting the free exercise thereof; nor abridging freedom of speech or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

If I haven't matched the original capitalization or punctuation exactly, it's because I typed that OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.  Yes, I have friends and roommates who devote time to memorizing Scripture, and I have chosen instead to commit to memory the First, Second, and Fourth Amendments (also many 80's song lyrics, but that was not so much a conscious choice.)  While I haven't memorized the exact text of the others, I know that the Fifth has to do with self-incrimination, the Eighth with cruel and unusual punishment, and most of the others with trials and legal rights of various sorts, except the Third, which frees us from being forced to quarter soldiers in our homes.  I think I speak for most of San Antonio's single women when I say that we would gladly submit to such a program, given that we were allowed to pre-screen the soldiers (or more likely airmen) in question.

I should mention, in my defense, that I wrote out the First and Fourth Amendments several times in marker on flipchart paper for the purpose of indoctrinating educating high school students about Constitutional rights and their practical applications.  (Not so much with the Second--it's just short, and therefore easy to remember.)  After writing them a few dozen times, they tend to stick with you.  I'd teach on court cases based on Fourth Amendment search and seizure provisions, or on the First Amendment, censorship, and student rights.

[Hugely geeky and somewhat embarrassing note: Mary Beth Tinker, of the Tinker v. Des Moines case, in which the Supreme Court upheld her right to wear a black armband to public school in protest of the Vietnam War, spoke to the staff at the civic education organization where I worked, and she was treated like a rock star.  Seriously, a guy I worked with SAVED HER WATER GLASS.  I mean, she's no Tim Russert, obviously, but it was still terribly exciting for a bunch of huge civics nerds.]

One week, we were traveling with 100 or so high schoolers to Colonial Williamsburg (slogan: High schoolers hate it!) and once there needed to offer Amendment-themed workshops to the kids, preferably with snappy titles.  Javier titled his Eighth Amendment cruel and unusual punishment/death penalty workshop Do You Really Want to Hurt Me? which inspired all of us to choose the song titles of our youth.  We had First Amendment-related freedom of religion titled Like a Prayer, freedom of the press and evolution of the media titled Video Killed the Radio Star, and free speech titled Our Lips Are Sealed.  If there were more, I can't remember now.

See, civil liberties can be fun!  And involve Madonna and the Go-Go's!  Plus things which are important, such as your right to practice religion of your choice or none at all without the state making that choice for you.  That's a good one!  And that free speech and press thing!  The Constitutional hits just keep on coming!  I bet you didn't even realize that you had a Constitutionally guaranteed right to assemble (peaceably, of course) AND to petition the government.  You have all sorts of rights!

So look into it, America.  You'll be glad you did.  Also, the Simpsons are: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.  Who said it had to be either/or?

The State of the Union if the Union Were in a Tiny Humorous Nutshell

For those of you who are not huge civics geeks like me, willing to give up hours of your Tuesday night to the State of the Union and its pre- and post-speech analysis (and who possibly also think that Tim Russert is a rock star) I present this summary of last night's State of the Union Address:

Some guy whose title I can't currently remember: Oyez!  Oyez!  The President of the United States of America!  (Ok, so this part is not actually so important, but one simply does not have enough opportunities to use the word "Oyez.")

President Bush: Classy tribute to Coretta Scott King

Everyone: Standing ovation.

Justice Samuel Alito: Holy crap, I'm at the State of the Union!

President Bush: The State of the Union is strong.

Everyone: Applause/uncomfortable glances toward gallery to see if honored guests are buying it.

President Bush: We were attacked on September 11, 2001.

Everyone: Wait...what?  We can't clap for that.  Can we?  We're not sure!

President Bush: We will not be attacked with the weapon of fear.  Anymore.

Everyone: Boo, fear!

President Bush: You defeated my social security plan and now your grandchildren won't be able to afford prune juice in their golden years.

Republicans: Wha?

Democrats: Sarcastic applause.

Me: Sarcastic applause!  Genius!

President Bush: No Child Left Behind is a huge success!  Test scores have gone up!  Because we started testing!  And the score for not testing is 0.  But now that we test, we have numbers!  And they are higher than 0!

Republicans: Thunderous applause.

Democrats: Do you also hear those crickets?

Public school teachers and administrators: Honey, I think I just burst a blood vessel out of righteous fury!  Call 911!

President Bush: But now we will do more!  We will have more math and science teachers!  We will figure out some way to lure them out of high-paying math- and science-related professions.  Then we will have higher scores in math and science!

Republicans: Yay!

Democrats: These tumbleweeds over here are troublesome.

People with lucrative math- and science-related jobs: Ha!  Good one!

President Bush: We are now aware that the attackers who attacked us on September 11, 2001 made phone calls.  And if we'd only listened to those phone calls, we could have stopped it.  Never mind that we missed a lot of other stuff!  So now we have a moral imperative to listen to the terrorists' phone calls.  And how will we know who the terrorists are until we listen to phone conversations and see what you people are talking about?

Republicans: Clap, clap, clap.  Clap...clap.

Democrats: Would it appear unprofessional if we crawled underneath these desks?

The Fourth Amendment: Ack. Cough. Wheeze.

President Bush: God bless the United States of America!

Members of Congress: Clappy clap clap, now can we finally get out of here and start talking on TV?

And now, we bring you the Democratic Response with Governor Tim Kaine of the Commonwealth of Virginia:

Governor Kaine: Here are all of the good things that we're doing in Virginia which are so good that they are much better than anything that the federal government is doing.  Here are some good things that the state of Illinois is doing.  As well as Massachusetts.  Even Republicans in states are doing good things!  In conclusion, state government good, federal government bad, vote for me in '08 and God bless the United States of America.

Discussion questions:

1. How did a Democrat get elected governor of Virginia?  Is this a sign of the apocalypse?  Why or why not?

2. Has Ted Kennedy's head gotten even bigger or is it just me?

3. Nuke-lee-ur or nuke-u-lur?  Compare and contrast.

4. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being "eh" and 10 being "Tom Cruise v. Ritalin") how much do the terrorists currently hate our freedom?

5. When the framers required that the president update Congress on the state of the union "from time to time" did they mean even if it pre-empted Scrubs?

6. Write your own State of the Union speech (or Democratic response if you're a commie pink-o lefty-lou tree-hugging long-haired hippie.)  CHALLENGE: Don't use the words September, eleven, partisan, God, or bless.

Thank you, and best wishes United States of America.